You'll be loved......

The following may be directly correlated to the fact that it's late at night and I'm tired, but I think there's a lot of truth in it. A lot. So here it is. [After thought: It’s a lot of complaining, the end is a good thing]
I'm unhappy. I'm not sad or depressed, just unhappy, mostly with myself. I let people down. I say something, with the best intentions of carrying it through, only to find out that I had either forgotten to do it or just not done it. A small example, but still very upsetting to myself are that of telling people I'd call and not doing it. I don't like breaking promises; it's my least favorite thing to do to people but I find myself in the situation constantly.
There is not an ounce of motivation in my body as far as I can tell. Just spurts of yearning quickly followed by defeat. I have not found a single thing in life that I have seriously cared about, people excluded. I do care about people, I care very much for people, but everything else in life isn't nearly as much so. And in fact, if I truly cared about people I wouldn't let them down. I'd be spending time with my family while I'm here, making them happy, and not letting them think I don't care. But there are other people I care deeply about and want badly to spend time with.
People aside for a moment, there are activities, skills, hobbies in life, yet none of which I have cared enough about. I dropped all the sports I've ever played, and even while in them I never truly cared enough to try hard. I always gave less than my potential and was okay with it. I don't have any skills; at least that are acquired. I've been blessed with some skills from birth, but I haven't worked at them, or hard enough to pick others up. Guitar for example, I've had my guitar for a few years now but I haven't actually become a good player yet. I've dabbled around, taken a few lessons, but I've never applied myself to becoming good. Not because I don't want to be good of course, I wish I was good. I wish a lot of things, but never turn them into reality. How could you be happy with yourself if you knew this? Especially when you know it but don't change it. I don't even know what to do with myself. Change it is pretty obvious but I don't know how. I don't know what I need to do to be happy. I can't think.
School sucks. I don't enjoy my classes; even fencing is more work than I care to be involved in. I haven't met many people that I see as friends. There are the kids that I've become acquainted with and can stop by and talk to, but I need new 'good friends.' I don't do anything at school; I go to classes, come home and play video games or veg about. I don't study; I'm getting really behind in several classes. I have no motivation to sit down and do homework. I'm screwing up so bad. I don't know what to do at all; I don't know how to make myself work. I can't concentrate on one thing, more specifically, one school/work related activity for very long.
Did I make some bad choices? Should I have gone somewhere that I'd have been excited to go? I don't know if it'd make a difference. Am I just immature? I'm 18, I could be a senior in High School still, but am I really going to let myself use that? I should physically be capable of this, mentally too. My classes aren't hard. They truly aren't, Physics is for idiots; I'm not having a hard time with that. It's keeping up with reading, or writing papers about stupid books.
There is a friendship, a good friendship, with a great person. All I want to do is be with her, go away and forget about everything that's stupid and boring. There is that. But it's unrealistic, I can't leave, I've got responsibilities.
I'm incredibly indecisive as well. Indecisive, unmotivated, bored, let down, and uncaring. Uncaring isn't a good work for it because I care about people, and that's what it'd usually be used to describe it. The way I mean it is that I don't care about things, again excluding people.
If I could I’d learn thing like they do in the Matrix. I could plug a program into my head and learn a skill. I’d want to learn everything and become knowledgeable in life. I have learned a few things about myself while being away to college and interacting with other people. One is that I don’t think anybody has the right to make someone else act or feel some way. That person can do what they wish. I also think most people’s motivations for doing things are ridiculous. One prominent motivation is to impress other people. I hate that. Kids try to act way too smart to impress others and their teachers. I’d much rather people talk precisely and make sense than to use foolish words to sound above other people. Kid’s lack of respect for things is amazing. I can’t believe the way people act, doing things just because they want to or can. Think for a second about everyone else that will be affected because of your stupid decisions. Respect other people. That’s a phrase I’d like to live with. I’ll make a shirt, it may just say, “respect others,” make it a bit cheaper to make. That can go with be open to because one person may be open, and other may disagree, but they ought to be respectful. Lets see for a second, sometimes is it fair to say respect others choices? In the situation of kids making bad decisions and ruining things I don’t think it works. I can’t respect people who don’t respect others. Maybe it’ll work like that.
I’ve got to write a paper by Thursday, take a test on Tuesday, another on Wednesday, turn a project in on Friday, and I haven’t started working on any of that.
I bought a jacket today and I love it. I’d like to go to the beach on a cold day and use it. I’d like to walk up and down the sandy slopes, taking pictures of the area, and be away from life for a bit. I’d then like to go to everywhere and anywhere and take pictures of it all. I need a digital camera for this, but as long as we’re talking about doing it, might as well pretend that I have one too. I’ll go back to what I said awhile ago, I ought to live in a dream-state, or live in a movie, and then I’d be capable of everything I want to be.

I’ve been complaining an awful lot lately, and looking sorry for myself. I had a wonderful day today. Becky, Megan, and I went shopping. I got that jacket and some gloves. In fact, I loved today. I loved it a bunch. I love being outside/shopping with cool people. I like the weather, and I like the leaves. I want to go on long walks through leaves this fall. I want to curl up under a blanket and watch movies more often too. Coming up more often, but without the driving would be nice. Let’s invent a teleportation device already.