Do you remember when...

It turns out I'm not actually dead, I just didn't know what to write about, nor did i particularly feel up to writing. I've been tired, and not much has happened in my life. I got another stupid temp job with EO and it was at the library. Not particularly exciting, I moved furniture, and took lots of little breaks. Today was by far the worst of the two for I had to ride in my boss's car with him to the warehouse to get extra parts. Let me tell you he is a chain smoker, and he would light one up every time we got into the car, out of the car, took a break, and so on. And when I drove with him I couldn't escape the stench. I began to feel ill and rolled the window down and hung out for the majority of the ride. He actually asked if I was going to throw up, I told him I was okay. I probably ought to have just politely asked him to not smoke around me for I am especially sensitive to it, but I didn't, and for that i suffered. It was the worst 45 minutes of my life. I'd take huge breaths before I'd get into the car, then hold it as long as I could until I had to lunge out the window to get a clean breathe. Then I'd run from the car as soon as we had stopped and take several large wiffs. I don't know what I'm going to do when we go to Germany. I got tickets with Scott for that. August 22 to September 14. That’s three and a half weeks, and will be, without a doubt, the best three and a half weeks of my life.

Scott and I had a good conversation tonight after swimming; this is Scott Heter. I realize I'm just beginning and anything I wish to do with my life is a possibility. I don't have to look back and say I wish I had done that because I have time. So much time. If you thought for a second that you were going to die and had to choose one thing you wish you'd done with your life, what would your answer be? I think it's a lot easier for the people of fight club to decide because they've lived a lot longer. I haven't experienced enough so it's much too hard. I'm indecisive as it is, i don't need five million choices to slow me down. Just too many, maybe check back in forty or fifty more years and I'll have an answer, but for now, I'm too young to come up with something. I think much of my current answers would involve loving a girl. I can say I'd like to hold someone in my arms as I fall asleep, but that’s not the thing I'd like to have done. I'd like to have found a cure for freaking aids, but that’s unrealistic. Which is why I go back to, I don't know. That is the hardest question in the world, and those stupid men in the backseat, "paint a self-portrait," "build a house," what trivial men, and stupid at that. There is so much more they could have chosen, a self-portrait is not that gratifying, a house probably a bit more, but there is still more.

We talked about the fact that people don't really care about things unless they're somehow involved in it. By that I mean, if you have experienced something, you'd care much more about it than another who has absolutely no experience. Lets say your mother has cancer, you'll certainly want to find a cure much more and spend a lot more time searching than a man who has a healthy family, he knows about it, but he has no reason to care, it doesn't affect him. People are selfish, no matter what. Find one "self-less" thing you've done and tell me, then I'll show you how it's been for you. Sad world we live in. If Donald Trump and Bill Gates, and the other billionaires had a traumatic experience with a disease, say aids, or cancer, we would probably find a cure within a year.

One thing I don't want to let happen is to become overweight, no guts, no nothing, I want to stay thin and fit. Also finding the love of my life, but hey, I'm only 17, 18 in six days, I've got time for that. I am so excited for the rest of my life. I'm going to learn so much, and grow so much, and become the greatest man I possibly can. People will like how I turn out, I am sure of this. I'm going to sleep, and sleep well at that.