I am thinking its a sign....

I just finished watching "Garden State", I haven't really had time to think about my feelings on it. I didn't get any immediate, "WOW this movie is freaking fantastic!" but I thought it was pretty good.
So today is the last day of break. I don't want to go back to F*ing school. Thats a thought, why do I say F*ing instead of the actual word? People know what I mean, they know what it is being substituted as. Its not like by leaving out the uck no one will think its a swear word. Do I think people will think negatively about me saying it? If thats the case: a) so what. b) as I have previously stated its no different than actually putting it out there except for three letters. People understand what I mean by it just the same. So maybe if I feel obliged next time I will say it. I think it, why censor something that people know is coming? But yeah, I really don't like the idea of going to school. I will sit in classes I don't give a crap about learning stuff I don't care to learn and for what? So I can get a decent job and make enough money to survive. Thats retarded. If I don't care anymore and I start getting average marks it will reflect poorly on me for college. Then when, or rather if, I go to college and do the same crap I won't get a good job. All because I don't want to apply myself. I know i need to get motivated. Life won't ease up for me, I am no exception, so why is it so difficult to come to grips with reality and actually do it?! Why can't I just take it and say, "Okay, life isn't all fun and pleasure, if I want to get far [and who judges what that is? I can afford a nice house? I can buy an expensive car? or I can just feed myself as the days go by?] I have to work hard. So by God I will do that." I question too much. I need to get motivated without someone leading me or pushing me up and right now I just can't do that.
So maybe I need a year off. I need to go to some interesting place, live on my own, work, volunteer, whatever and get some life experience. Maybe then I will see whats worth working for.
I've just now lit a candle and by doing so I've been thinking: When you have the option of putting your finger into the flame is it worth not taking the risk of a seconds pain at the stake of missing out on an experience? If you say yes than I am sure you've found your spot, but if you quesiton or say no as I have, I would only hope that tomorrow I'll be as brave. And thats my deep thought of the night...