i can't get no, satisfaction

I've really got to start living day by day; it'd simplify a lot of things I think. My mind gets cluttered and I drift towards fantasy and daydreams if I start to look into the future for things.

This morning I woke up at 11, which makes it difficult when you're supposed to be donating blood at that time. I was sure last night, when I was up until 2 or 3 because of the thoughts that were drowning me, that I'd be late to it, or wake up late. No matter, I rushed over and just as Mapquest said, it took fifteen minutes to get there. Being 25 minutes late was no bother to them, they were just glad I showed. Unfortunately due to how late in the day it was that I was giving, everyone had gone on break, and only about 3 people were actually working. I waited an hour and fifteen minutes to give, and I'm glad it turned out as well as it did. The side I was on was not one I wished to be, I wanted to be on the other side, where I saw confident nurses and confident donators. On my side the nurses seemed uneducated or at least incompetent, and the majority of the people donating had problems with veins not being right, or poor workmanship. It was a relief when my donation was smooth sailing and I was out after 8 minutes. This is much slower than the 5 it took me last time, mostly because I drank considerably more liquids then compared to this one where I forgot to do that. In any event, I saved 3 lives. Most people might feel satisfied, I'm not.

I don't think I'm easily satisfied, not much actually does satisfy me, I'm always searching for more or something else to fill a void. I think I must have a gaping hole somewhere inside me. I think if you were to take a picture like that of the Matrix where you saw pure energy, I would radiate enough to light the whole world. It'd be too much to look at. At least that’s the way I feel, I think I need an evil villain to come in and suck the energy from me.

There I go again, fantasy. Goodness, why can't I find a real way of releasing it? I could run until I fell down, but that'd be hard for me to get to do, and wouldn't even really accomplish anything. It's not just that energy, it’s like if you were to have levels of everything in me, there'd be Happiness, Love, Stress, Anger, Physical Energy, and mental energy, and a whole lot more I can't think of at the moment. And right now, Happiness is middle level and could probably go up, love is full I need to release it, stress is creeping up, anger is empty and ought to stay there, and physical energy is high and needs to go away, and mental energy is on the decline which coincides with the stress deal. I want to release the full bars like they are a valve and just release the pressure building up from them. I also want to clear things up inside my mind and delete some of the fantasy makers and replace them with realist.

I think if I were to go into coma I would lead a fantastic life inside my head. If all I had was my fantasy, I'd have the most romantic love story, exciting action adventures, and funniest comedies, but there is no place for that here. In Hollywood maybe, but in reality it just won't happen, and that’s getting to be pretty ridiculous. I think when I lose them though, I feel less humane and more of a pessimist and lose my caring nature. Whets worth staying here though? Not much really, my life hasn't brought forward anything great, and I'm not good at reaching out to get it, and usually in turn end up pushing it away unconsciously.

I'm still going to go with I need to act more than I think. I know that will only lead to trouble, those who don't think first get into tough shit, but it'd be a relief for once. After sitting back for 17 years I'm ready to get into something. If I acted fewer problems would arise inwards, but along with that comes outward problems. I'd cause problems if I acted on lots of my instincts, and it’s all about finding the right balance, but I honestly don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do much of anything related to bettering myself.

I went out to a movie and dinner tonight. Actually it was dinner, then a movie, then hanging out. We got hot chocolate, from Bella's, and it was once again, delicious. Then we had a good conversation, we're pretty much on the same page, as far as that goes. I looked good tonight as well. I worked on getting my hair to stand up, and then I wore my nice jeans and shoes, and had my glasses on. Any girl that saw me thought about it. HA!