When will my day come?

I absolutely hate it when you wake up feeling ill. Today, after getting to bed at 3:45 last night, I woke up at 9:00. Why that early you ask? Well, my sister had an orthodontist appointment that I had to take her to. Now this was one of the, you wake up too fast and get nauseas and feel like throwing up every time you turn your head, morning sicknesses. It was absolutely awful let me tell you, driving while under such circumstances blows. You are moving so fast and things are passing you and you can't help but noticing the churning of acids and your intestines rolling around in your stomach, and then there’s the feeling in your ears where you know that’s the source of the nausea and can feel something sloshing around up there. Goodness, most awful way to start the day.

I went to a temp agency for the real deal today. I'm going to get hired to a short-term job somewhere, hopefully.

I don't even know what more to say about today. I went to Jeff's and Anneliese came over and we played Boggle. That game is pretty fun. I must say. I also went, beforehand, to Evergreen with Jeff and threw some Frisbee. Now my shoulder hurts. I threw left-handed a lot. I'm still feeling somewhat ill and getting tired. I'm tired of thinking; I'm tired of feeling inadequate.

Oh, I never told you, I was up so late because I went and found some ish on the internet. This is was "Forte Clothing." These kids from Glencoe started this company and are so damn creative it pisses me off. They've created not only cool clothing, but a really nice website, and cool graphics, and advertisements. I feel completely untalented and uncreative. I honestly can't think of much I've done that’s original. In fact, basically everything I've created I've taken from other ideas or pictures. MUSIC IS SO HARD FOR ME. I can't be creative, it’s so very frustrating. I quite life for today. I want things to go back to bliss.

I want to know how my life turns out. I want to have a machine that will make me know everything will be okay. Hopefully it would be okay, because if they predicted something terrible, it would most likely have accounted for the fact I saw it, and therefore I couldn't change it, even if I wanted to.

The thing about this creativity deal is I was brought up scientific and mathematical, exact things, not abstract, where you can go anywhere. I hope that’s my reason, not just I'm incredibly untalented. And I want to change that, maybe I ought to go into a dark period where I use large amounts of substances and find something and make it work, then recover and continue the brilliance. Or just keep it going if it works. I need to be classically trained, yet have the abstract thoughts to come up with something great. I hate being precise and needing things to follow a path; it doesn't stratify anything to me. All I will end up with is a clean house, if I even get one, maybe a clean area under the Burnside Bridge. My corner will be spotless though, I'll be the cleanest bum and my signs will promote my cleanliness.

Celebrities have it of well, they get to experience things in life no average person can, or will ever. It's kind of a crappy deal if you think about it in life. Some people work so hard as janitors to support their family and don't have the greatness. And actors with a bit of training and a lot of luck get a superstar show that runs for a decade and makes them bank and they retire young and enjoy life and support a family. Two very different lifestyles and in the end, they both end up in the same place, where ever that may be. Why can't everyone have a good hand? Why do some people have to work so much harder than others to get the same? How do connections get you farther than experience? And I am an ass. I want it all to come easy, yet I complain about people working hard for their success.

I suck.