Mostly Drivel

It appears to that tonight is going to be one of those long nights, spent thinking of a million thoughts and never quite coming to rest until I'm completely exhausted. I don't know exactly what these thoughts are; they feel like they're going to fast. I know a few of them involve Lost, and the various things involved with watching it; trying to figure people out, putting myself in their place, questioning which character I'd be if I were there, all these seemingly childish thoughts. Then a lot of them involve something else, this sort of deep longing for something. The latter are the ones getting to me the most at the moment. It's a deep down feeling, where I'm trying to set up these situations that would be 'perfect.' Summer plans, random hopes, and a large amount of connections through music and the feelings I have when I listen to certain songs. Overall it's a good thing, they aren't causing me pain, or making me sad, I just wish they'd happen. One thing is personal appearance. I want to make sure I'm perfect. I know no-one is perfect, but I want to be close. I know lots of it I can't change, and that is what makes me most angry, I was born like this and I can't help it. I have no choice. I can beef up, but I can't arch my feet, or remold them to look less ugly. They are indeed ugly, it reminds me of a cutout of a foot, but instead of having nicely carved toes, even and straight, the artist was drunk or a child and shook, creating jagged uneven toes. Then there is body heat. I'm always freaking hot, and I freaking sweat at the most inconvenient times, like while playing video games. I ought to permanently wear gloves really. And watching these attractive muscular people tromp around this island makes me one, want to lose the bad flaws of mine, then their surviving in this incredible- all be it, make-believe situation- makes me want to be capable of things. I can't hunt, can't start fires, can't help wounded people, I couldn't survive in that situation. I want to be useful and do something with my life. I've only lived 18 years so I've got no real rush, nor should I worry about "doing something with my life," but saying that doesn't change anything. I really want to do something cool, fun, exciting. As of right now I don't have any really cool stories to tell anybody. Well I may have a few; I've traveled to a foreign country with one of my best friends, just the two of us. That's pretty rad, and I've gone clubbing in a foreign country and stayed out past 6 a.m. doing so, which is pretty neat, but that’s not really accomplishing much. I didn't meet anybody, or having any life altering experiences there.
I admire nature, I understand that. I could walk around a new place and find hundreds of things I like to look at. Hiking last week was amazing; walking in Germany brought me to some of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. I wish I could document all this amazing stuff; the pictures I take don't do justice. And it's not even strictly nature, its all things around me, which is intriguing. I like having this view of life. Like the other day, when I was walking into a room to eat some pizza I stopped myself at the doorway and saw what I thought to be a great shot, a great mental image that I only wish I could have captured. It was late in the day, around six, and the sun was low and shining in through large full length windows, some of which were blocked by blinds. The shadows created by the blinds bent across the floor and contrasted with the bright spots in between them, all of this shining on a slate-grey tile floor. Then a bit farther into the room was a large light green rug under a foosball table, and the shadows created by that added to the ones created by the windows. And to add to all of that the wall opposite of where I was standing was made of vertical pieces of wood, completing the composition. And it was a natural composition at that, not that the things involved were natural, but no one had set that up, for just an occasion, it was just the beauty of things. This kind of natural composition happened again after I had finished a long warm shower. I was extremely relaxed and using the empty room as a retreat from noise and people, and I sat on the bench, wrapped in my robe, and looked across the room. On the wall made of ceramic tiles was a long row of hangers connected by a large beam of wood, and hanging on one of those hooks was my towel, wrinkled in a completely spontaneous way, but it looked great. The towel, and the hooks, and the wood, and the tiles, it just all went together so well. I like finding those kinds of things. I am continually impressed with them and it is extremely reassuring to know that there can be beauty everywhere, and I'll find it. If I had my way I would spend all my time traveling around the world and just marvel in the gorgeous scenery.
So there is that outlet in life. Then there is music. I love music. I like that it lets you be creative. You can listen to any song and close your eyes and you'll imagine something. It helps me think, and relax, and get away from things. In a stressful situation all you need to do is plug some headphones into your Ipod, or CD player, or computer even, and then lay back and listen, and think, and drown yourself in the music. Feel the music...
I wonder if it's better to let my mind wander the way it does or if I ought to be more of a realist. It's easier, more entertaining to dream about things, but it makes it hard when they don't happen.
I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do with myself, or what my future will contain. I want to say I need a radical 180° change in my lifestyle, to shake things up and figure things out, but I don't know that I could handle it. I need a simple, comfortable lifestyle, that’s how I survive. I want happiness. I have quite a bit of it too. I have an immense amount of fortune in life, and I am incredibly grateful for it, for the people in my life, for my life.


All this is is a lamp, but look at it, it's great to look at


Who looks at a glass in a sink and says, "hey that looks cool" then takes a picture


The sky through my windshield


a lizard

The 7th, the day after

It's been a week already, of course, longer than that since the last post, but for me and for the new term, it's been a week. I've experienced a bit of every one of my new classes and I'm happy with how things are going. I don't know how much of this is the weather, which has been amazing thus far, but I think this term is already getting off to a much better start than the rest of the terms have. My classes are interesting, I'm psyched about german everyday and the possibilities of getting back into the swing of speaking german, if I ever was. It's interesting to me the things I remember and the things I don't about it, certain words stay in, others have completely escaped me, but for the most part I don't recall much of the grammatics of the german language. I get conjucation fairly well, and once I see the words I seem to remember them decently, but the sentence structure and how that changes from the change of the tense is tough to learn. I'm excited to get further into my music class; as of right now we've covered what I learned last term in theory, but it's soon to pick up. Who cares, I'm not going to care how I felt about school when I look back at this. I'll say this: I'm taking Journalism 201: mass media and society, Arts and Administation: Controversies in Visual Art, German 103, Writing 122, and Intermediate Guitar skills. They are good.

Now, the weather is great, and while I won't care about that much either; nice days occur all the time, the thing I might care about, and I do right now, is how it affects me. I feel better with longer, warmer, sunnier days. It's not an angst for summer. I'm fine being in school, and school doesn't even take up much of my time, so I can do activities if I wish, and I do. Thats something, I want to get out and do things, and now I'm much more likely to do them. I've exercised like four out of the past five days. Thats cool. I've run, lifted weights, played soccer, frisbee, wrestled, and I want to do more. I want to spend time outside, being active and healthy. I want to learn new skills, stupid stupid skills I won't ever need but that I want for the fact of having them in case I wanted them. That one comes from getting into the first season of 'Lost'. I want to know that I'd be useful really. I can easily see myself as being the Charlie guy, maybe minus the drugs. I have yet to delve into that world, and doubt I ever will, or any of that sort anyways, the hardcore kind. I highly doubt I'd be the doctor type, as much as I wish I could. Blah. Why, when I think about things does it seem it always ends out discussing negatives... DZ OUT