I don't know

Lately I've felt tired of even trying. I don't want to put effort into anything I do, I want it to just happen and I'll roll with it.

I haven't seen hardly any of my friends and I am somewhat curious where they are. Not everyone can be working, I guess with it being summer before college everyone is loosening the ties with friends so they can go to college and meet new ones. I can't say I've been working hard to find my friends, I've made half a dozen calls tops.

I have a good time being outside with people, people who make life a lot more simple.

I don't even know what’s going on these days. I can't process any of my thoughts, I just have some ideas of what I'd like to say, or express but it never comes out right, and it usually clashes with some other thought I have. I don't want to think, I'd like to have life come at me, let what will happen, happen.

I've had some talks with people to discuss who I am, and I can't quite figure it out. I'm bad with words, I want too much, I feel sorry for myself, I've become apathetic to situations but it is really just a front, I certainly think too much, as well as other things like I ought to get out and actually do something about life. But I can't even figure out what i should do, or want to do anymore.

Right now I'm going to focus on celebrating my birthday in a few days, going to Jakes the week after this coming one, and going to Germany. And I want to enjoy all of these.

I don't know is a good answer for me right now

Do you remember when...

It turns out I'm not actually dead, I just didn't know what to write about, nor did i particularly feel up to writing. I've been tired, and not much has happened in my life. I got another stupid temp job with EO and it was at the library. Not particularly exciting, I moved furniture, and took lots of little breaks. Today was by far the worst of the two for I had to ride in my boss's car with him to the warehouse to get extra parts. Let me tell you he is a chain smoker, and he would light one up every time we got into the car, out of the car, took a break, and so on. And when I drove with him I couldn't escape the stench. I began to feel ill and rolled the window down and hung out for the majority of the ride. He actually asked if I was going to throw up, I told him I was okay. I probably ought to have just politely asked him to not smoke around me for I am especially sensitive to it, but I didn't, and for that i suffered. It was the worst 45 minutes of my life. I'd take huge breaths before I'd get into the car, then hold it as long as I could until I had to lunge out the window to get a clean breathe. Then I'd run from the car as soon as we had stopped and take several large wiffs. I don't know what I'm going to do when we go to Germany. I got tickets with Scott for that. August 22 to September 14. That’s three and a half weeks, and will be, without a doubt, the best three and a half weeks of my life.

Scott and I had a good conversation tonight after swimming; this is Scott Heter. I realize I'm just beginning and anything I wish to do with my life is a possibility. I don't have to look back and say I wish I had done that because I have time. So much time. If you thought for a second that you were going to die and had to choose one thing you wish you'd done with your life, what would your answer be? I think it's a lot easier for the people of fight club to decide because they've lived a lot longer. I haven't experienced enough so it's much too hard. I'm indecisive as it is, i don't need five million choices to slow me down. Just too many, maybe check back in forty or fifty more years and I'll have an answer, but for now, I'm too young to come up with something. I think much of my current answers would involve loving a girl. I can say I'd like to hold someone in my arms as I fall asleep, but that’s not the thing I'd like to have done. I'd like to have found a cure for freaking aids, but that’s unrealistic. Which is why I go back to, I don't know. That is the hardest question in the world, and those stupid men in the backseat, "paint a self-portrait," "build a house," what trivial men, and stupid at that. There is so much more they could have chosen, a self-portrait is not that gratifying, a house probably a bit more, but there is still more.

We talked about the fact that people don't really care about things unless they're somehow involved in it. By that I mean, if you have experienced something, you'd care much more about it than another who has absolutely no experience. Lets say your mother has cancer, you'll certainly want to find a cure much more and spend a lot more time searching than a man who has a healthy family, he knows about it, but he has no reason to care, it doesn't affect him. People are selfish, no matter what. Find one "self-less" thing you've done and tell me, then I'll show you how it's been for you. Sad world we live in. If Donald Trump and Bill Gates, and the other billionaires had a traumatic experience with a disease, say aids, or cancer, we would probably find a cure within a year.

One thing I don't want to let happen is to become overweight, no guts, no nothing, I want to stay thin and fit. Also finding the love of my life, but hey, I'm only 17, 18 in six days, I've got time for that. I am so excited for the rest of my life. I'm going to learn so much, and grow so much, and become the greatest man I possibly can. People will like how I turn out, I am sure of this. I'm going to sleep, and sleep well at that.

Absolutely!

Today was a super day. It was very nice because of my family being awesome. I woke up and had a talk with my mom where I started thinking of the lack of closeness felt by me to my family. Which seems like a giant shame, and I began to picture it if everything started differently. But that made me want to get closer and so I acted nicely to my entire family and we had a super day. Megan and I hung out and went groceries shopping, just the two of us, and we actually got along, it was nice. We have made a pact to be healthier in our food selections, and even bought multi-vitamins to eat everyday. Then we got some coffee and drove around. After we dropped off the groceries we went back out so I could work on getting a new phone since I had swam with mine in the boicourts pool. Well it turns out, exactly one year from today, we signed up with AT&T to get our current phones, and our plan being only one year long, is now over so we can get a completely new one, one that will be with cingular and hopefully have better coverage, and all get new phones that will actually work. A year to the day! How awesome is that? I just happen to choose to go out today instead of yesterday, or a few days before, and it ends up being the exact day we can get new ones. Unfortunately we didn't get any because my parents have to look into a new plan, but it will happen soon.

Then we went to Target and bough board games. We had the craving to play some Scattegories so we got that, along with Rumikub. We're going to get apples to apples tomorrow. We played board games and did riddles all night, as a family, and that was a ton of fun. I absolutely love board games. I won at Scattegories once, as well as once at Rumikub. It was probably the most well spent Sunday in quite some time. I saw Jessica at Target too, Jessica Bagley, and she is neat and I enjoyed that encounter despite its short length.

I also cut off my fauxhawk because basically I've noticed at least 10 since I've gotten mine and don't like that. So now it's just shaved down to the height of the sides and doesn't look too bad. The widow's peak, it turns out I have a little one thank goodness, is crooked though. It's not at all centered and in fact, the peak is actually nearly right about the inmost part of my left eye. Stupid genetics. I think being in a good mood makes you feel better physically too. I felt good, and felt as though I looked good. My smile didn't suck today, and my skin is void of pimples and quite tan.

I looked at worth1000 photography tonight, and some of these people are absolutely amazing. I really want to get into artistic photography, as well as just great candid pictures. I feel we have missed opportunities of great memories with our lack of photographs. Today was great; I hope it was likewise for you.

Everything in it's right place....

I think my brain functions better without work, and I like that, so it appears it would be a bad idea to ever work again. I spent a lot of time thinking this morning in my shower. I sat down and let the water pour over me, then I just let my mind wander. It seemed to have scattered ideas everywhere and was trying to organize them and file them away neatly. It didn't go well, I'd think about something, then before I could get a clear idea or solution it'd escape and I'd move onto something else.

One main thought was that I have not achieved any of my dreams for this summer. I'd imagined it far differently than it has turned out and I can't say I'm happy with the way it has gone. While the days have been fairly good, and certain days have fun, nothing fantastic has happened. I've seen five or six people all summer, always the same, not that it's bad, but none of the others I'd hoped to. I have not gone on any great adventures, not even to the beach. The best I've had as far as something was a campfire hangout thing, but that was only in Scott's backyard. It was fun, but the beach would be something completely different as far as fun is concerned. I'd like to bike in the San Juan islands, but with a month's time before Germany I just don't see it happening. I've not camped, hiked, biked, or any other outdoor activity other than recreational swimming in pools. I've come up with far too many hopeful ideas that will no doubt be crushed as they always do. I told myself this summer I'd do the things I wished, as I do every summer, but once again, they just don't unfold as I hoped and wished.

That led me to think more about my problems with fantasies, and how I can't be satisfied in life, at least long-lasting satisfaction. Watching a movie with a close friend is certainly satisfying, as it lying in the warm sun near a cool pool, but that is only temporary pleasure. I need better, and longer lasting, and I think I have an idea of what would do so, and the problems with them. If I were to visit these places I dream about, or read about even, if I could visit say Hogwarts, or go on an adventure with Dirk Pitt, life would be excited and quite fantastic. Alas, no such thing could ever happen. It's always such a disappointment when I come to this realization, and I hate that I can't be happy with reality. Perhaps I just haven't found what truly makes me happy yet.

Now this entire thought process was quick, and happened within a 15 minute period, and my shower was nearer to 30. Another thought popped into my head after that fantasy one, partly I believe, because of my watching of Amalie last night and wishing for something as fantastic as that to occur in my life. I thought of the casualness of sex in that movie, and "A very long Engagement" which stars the same woman and is by the same director. It makes sex seem like no big deal at all, just something people do. Now this is far different than that of the sexual behavior or Kinsey, or at least of the thoughts of sex during the time period. It's changed quite a bit, and that's something to think about. Which should it be like? I thought about it, it's very natural, so it can't be frowned upon. That's all I could create as far as a solution goes. People's complete obsession with it still seems weird, and working at an adult store seems less than normal. So I don't know what to think.

Then the water got cold and I ended my shower. Later that day I hung out with Scott some more; this is Scott Richards I speak of. It's great to see him again. It's been a few weeks since last, and before that it'd been a year. And now it'll be two more years, because of his mission. It's amazing the close friendship we created almost a decade ago. It's such a same I hadn't seen him more this summer, he's a great guy, and great fun to be around. We swam, or at least I did, he was on lifeguard duty so he couldn't, but we chatted and I spent the better part of 3 hours in the pool. During this time he spoke of disruptive kids he'd had to throw out earlier in the day. And later in the evening two kids came in and completely disregarded his words of warning as to the rules of the pool. I just don't understand some people. How can you be so inconsiderate? Why can't you just obey the rules he's placed down and make life easier? Why must you push the boundaries? I don't think he does it to make you feel badly, or to punish you, it's his job, he can't help it, he has to follow the rules given to him, and they are to enforce the rules of the pool. It's not hard to control yourself, you can easily walk and get to the same destination, and jump into the pool without flipping, so why must you make it difficult? I honestly wanted to beat the shit out of these kids. Tell them to stop being such asses and just listen to him. I did tell them they ought to stop being stupid and just listen, I said they were idiots and asked them if they had problems. That might not have helped, but it's a fair question I'd say. You have to have problems to completely disregard a direction given by an authority figure who is being extremely nice and not in the least rude. If Scott was a jerk, it'd make things different, then just to spite him you might have the urge to break rules, but he wasn't. He was so nice about it, but I could see the difficulty of him acting nice when they wouldn't listen. I'd have thrown them out. Told them they need to leave, and maybe next time listen. He didn't do what I would. Other than those two it was extremely enjoyable. I didn't have goggles so I had to close my eyes underwater, but that was okay because I'd always imagine I was back in Mexico scuba diving with fish and coral. I'd even pictured a sunken submarine, most likely because of The Pacific Vortex. It was a good use of relaxing time. If I hadn't had done that, I'd most likely sat at home accomplishing very little and sitting at this wretched computer. I hate how it controls my life. I can't help but have an attraction to it, where I glance every five minutes to see if the screen has changed. Has someone sent me a message? Is anything exciting happening? It's very ridiculous. If I didn't have a computer I'm sure life would be different. I'd certainly fill my time with other things. I could still write this in a book, like normal people do.

Afterwards I went with Scott for Little Caesars pizza, but not until after I had gone to his house. It brought back some memories, I hadn't been inside for over a year. It was nice to see his family again. I love them. It's actually kind of interesting how I made a transition from Scott's family to Jeff's. It's a very similar relationship, I'm very close and love both, and it just moved very smoothly. What can I say, I'm always loved by some entire family. Hahaha, re-reading that makes it funny; oh yeah I have a family too, and they do as well. The pizza was amazing, you drive up and they give you a pizza in like five seconds, and it's only five bucks. It was pretty tasty and quite filling. Good guy that Scott Richards.

And now I think I'll be leaving, into my dreamland. Goodnight.

Freaking Concrete

One man cannot easily build a fence. I can't hold the freaking post up, mix the concrete and pour it in at once, by myself. It's freaking hard to do. I spent all day doing this, and adjusting the holes I already dug. For a one-man team I did a great job, except one post that got bumped or something, its a bit off, and seeing as how it's in concrete, it's stuck where it is. Ooops. Tomorrow I build the fences. Hopefully I can get those done in two days. I'm extremely slow, it took me all of 8.5 hours today to set 12 posts. That's so slow, as was my digging i guess.

I was thinking about James Bond today, while working, and decided I like those movies a lot and would like to own all of them. Mostly the older ones because they're way neat. The new ones are chill, but I'd make a better one that Peirce, come on, David Zavertnik or Peirce Brosnon. Simple choice right? Don't answer, you'll hurt my feelings.

I'm more tired today than I was yesterday. I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll come up with something neat to say tomorrow, because today wasn't much fun either. I think this work sucks out my coolness, or at least creativity.

You won't enjoy reading this; it's boring

I got hired to a temporary job last night, so I had to wake up really early this morning, 6 o'clock kind of early. It was at the fairgrounds at 7 and so I left early to make a good impression, but stupid idiots at EO didn't tell me the right place to meet anyone, so I drove around to all the entrances I could find until alas I found the guy. I got to work, digging post-holes for a fence, and it actually went pretty well. The morning is a glorious time, I was quite comfortable, digging holes and listening to my iPod as I watched the morning unfold. The only real crappy part about the whole digging was that the holes I needed to dig sat right next to trees and their freaking roots blocked it and made it really hard to get anywhere. Then there was the fact the ground was dry and as hard as a rock, and full of rocks. It took all of 8.5 hours working to dig 12 holes. They were a foot and a half deep and varied from a foot to 2 feet in width and length.

I am glad I don't have to do this all the time, it wasn't much fun, and the roots made it hard. If they had all been like the second hole I dug, life would have been good. Tomorrow I fill the wholes with cement and set the posts, then depending on when they get done drying, start building the fence.

Rachel isn't nice and made fun of my blog last time, and it's basically going in the same direction, so that means she'll say this one sucks even worse. I don't do anything fun or interesting, and I don't feel like thinking right now.

I did stop by and see Jeff. His Europe trip seems like it was neat, but they had all these time constraints so I don't think they were able to enjoy the locations as much as they could have. He said it was fun, I believe him.

I wish I was James Bond. That man is so fucking smooth its ridiculous. Not to mention all the girls want him as it is. See, I have a problem in that department, and smooth, goodness. I didn't like how he just pushed this girl into getting hit, even though she was plotting against him, she didn't have to get hit. Too bad, I'm a better man than James, but he gets hot chicks, like Pussy Galore. Who is even named that? Come on. Ooh, Odd Job just wacked him, thats what he gets for hitting a ladie.

The list shall be completed

Today was the first day of actual summer, where the sun is hot, like it should be. I sat around in the morning after waking up late, and tried to decide what to do. I wanted to go out into the sun, but I didn't want to lay out in the back, or invite myself to a pool, or drive to Hawthorne. I basically wanted a pool in my backyard. That didn't happen so I went on a bike ride with Scott. We rode around, up to Brent's, soaked in the pool for a bit, then tanned. After that we went to 7-11 and got slurpees and drank those while heading home. The bike I was riding, my street bike, had a loose bolt and the seat was sliding up into a very uncomfortable position. We ended up at Justin's house where his dad fixed it, then he told us to head over to Jessie's and that’s where we could find Justin, so we did. They have a pool, that's nice. It was a pretty good time, until I realized my phone was still in my shorts and it was completely ruined. I have been wanting a new phone, so I guess now I'll have to get it, too bad though, it will be expensive.

I'm writing a to do list for this following week. Want to see it?
-Finish Thank you Cards and send them out (It's been over a month that I've been meaning to)
-Take care of give-away clothes
-Finish Pacific Vortex
-Finish The Da Vinci Code
-Drink 3 Nalgene's full of Water a day
-Mow Judsens lawn
-Home Yard work
-Fix up roadbike
-Go to the beach
-Ride with Greg
-Exercise once a day, either run or bike or situps/pushups
-Wake up Early
-Eat well
-Fill up a page of my green book
-Clear out my room of all old junk, add flowers.

That's that, a lot to do, we'll see how much I can get done tomorrow, It initially started as a tomorrow thing, but I couldn't fit it all in.

It's official, I'm going to college this fall

I've once again let myself fall into the trap that is Hollywood entertainment. It's not something I can ever attain, nor something I am, but I'll state my thoughts anyways. I just saw Spanglish, and I'd like to be able to compare myself to Adam Sandlers character. He is so nice it's unbelievable and can always help people. I didn't do a good job of explaining him in any way shape or form, but if you go rent it and watch it, you'll see. It's just something I think I'm near to, not caring so much about how others treat me, but just being super chill and understanding of everything. I think it'd work out.

I got back from Eugene last night at 10:40. I will go ahead and go into a lengthy description of my stay down there. I got in around 9 on Wednesday to Kate Upton and John Ayres apartment. The complex they live in is extremely confusing and I can't find my way around very well after the one experience there before. But eventually I got the hang of it. When we got there they had just awoken from a nap, they seem to do that a lot. We got in and it was so close to nighttime we didn't do much, just sort of caught up and talked. We did eat a nice dinner at 12, we went to WinCo to buy groceries with them and made some pasta. After the late meal we went to bed; I had the aero bed from my house and Scott had their futon. We listened to our iPods and I fell asleep to Travis. I think I might overkill bands, I find one and latch on for an extended time until I find a new one to latch onto. Luckily I've discovered this recently and do my best to change it up so as not to allow this to happen.

The next morning we woke up at 7 to get their by 8 for Orientation, of course, with my skills, we got their a bit late, but it didn't matter because we were all herd into the athletic centers gym to watch a presentation that didn't start until 9. We waited, found Danny and Jared, and waited some more. Finally it began and we watched that and then split into groups. It was basically just like Tide Crew only on a larger scale and just as uninformative. I suppose it's mostly because I knew what they were saying and didn't have many questions. Either way, I didn't learn much of anything that day, but had a good time none-the-less. Walking the campus with new people was an experience for sure. I began to realize the implications of my leaving. I pushed on for the next 9 hours of the entire orientation and left after dinner in the Carson Hall. Scott and I went back to the apartment and once again chilled. We rented a movie; Fight Club, and watched it over some Ben and Jerry's. I can't say I liked that movie so much. It was too dark for my taste and it made me feel ill. It was just a crappy situation for the guy and he was pretty much crazy. The only aspect that might have sparked an interest was the thought of being beat the crap and seeing how I would end up. Could I actually get up after it like they did? Could I knock a guy out? No one will no, I don't intend on figuring that one out. I went to bed and had a hard time falling asleep. With the mood that the movie put me into, and the day’s events I had my first experience of feeling a little scared to move onto college.

After sleeping in past my alarm Scott and I woke up at 8, late, again, for our quick start to get to FIG sign-ups. We signed up for Cultural Studies of the Middle East and both got in. Unfortunately, later when I had my appointment with an advising to schedule I ended up dropping it because of a schedule conflict. Let me say one thing about my advisory experience, that woman was a freaking moron. I couldn't stand the way she talked, she wouldn't come to a point, and was as little help as possible in a very important thing. I wanted her to help me to figure out what to schedule in, but all she did was talk about useless garbage. At any rate I got my schedule and have 4 classes, and will need to sign up for a 5th when the stupid Oregon computers update my AP score into their data bank. I need writing 122 because I've tested out of 121, but you're not allowed to sign up until the score comes in, and they haven't got it. Pretty much that day, Friday, made me as angry as possible, I was frustrated with the idiot who couldn't fix problems and relaxed only upon playing Oregon Trail on John and Kate's computer. Boy is that game fun, I made it to Oregon with the second highest score. Scott and I did, that is, he played most of it, I just advised, much better than my advisor did for me. I actually helped him make decision unlike the stupid bitch who just confused me. Apparently nothing happened while I was gone either, so any place I went it’d most likely have turned out the same.

I met a few kids down there, and saw lots that I will be interacting with later on. Of the Architecture there is already a girl I don't like. She has an obnoxious voice and talks too much. Other girls seemed pretty neat. I'm sure it'll be nice to meet new people with common interests. The girls are certainly in no short supply.

On second review I don't know how pleasurable it would be to be like the character from Spanglish. He seemed lonely; no one showed him the love he showed everyone else. Except his daughter, but I don't think that'd be quite the satisfaction you'd want. Well, he doesn't have that to start at least; he finds it then loses it. Too bad, that would suck. I can't say I've had very good luck myself. Well, like I said before, lots of girls at UO, plenty more chances. Fifth time maybe? or maybe it will take more mistrials. Either way, something will work out.

how do I feel right now? A little disappointed I guess. My dog just bit my nose when I was playing with it, and that wasn't too neat. It hurt and all I was doing was being cool to her. It wasn't even a playful bite, it was vicious, and quick. A face full of dog in a flash. I'm also tired, although I haven't done much of anything except eat, sleep, and walk a stupid dog that bites me later. I walked her a long ways too, gave her good exercise. Stupid Katy. I don't know what I want to make me happy now. I'm also no unhappy though, just sort of middle groundish, no rewards or exciting events. I'll figure life out one day, that'll make me happy. Big time smile happy, or maybe not, it could be terribly disappointing.

You say you love me, now do it again

This morning started out pretty crappy, for one I didn't sleep well. I think the way my pillows were laid out my head wasn't supported enough or something because when I woke up I felt sick to my stomach. I think that happens to me a lot. That wasn't fun, and on top of that I was being told to get stuff done ASAP for my family. Now it might not seem like a big deal, but whenever someone else needs something done, or wants something done, it has to be on their schedule, but if I need something or want something, I have to wait. It sucks. So I drove around basically all afternoon in the least efficient way possible. First I had to take clothes to Plato's closet with my sister, but she had to get back, so I drove home, then my mom had clothes that I didn't have time for before that so, I went back out to aloha to some more adult style things of the same type, and wait there for half an hour. And instead of going back to Plato's to pick up what I dropped off, I had to take my grandma who was with me home to orenco so she could drive my mom to an appointment, then I had to get my car and drive all the way back to Plato's closet, pick up all my clothes since they only took a pair of pants, and drive back home to a shelter place to donate them. Absolutely inefficient and pretty much a waste of my time.

Then I get home and am beckoned to go pick up stuff for my dad at the eye doctor.

Reading this makes me sound like a jerk, like I can't even help out around the house. I get upset for people asking me to help, uh oh! Better not strain a muscle driving around to get stuff, it's tough work. I guess I'm not really used to all of this garbage; normally I get to sit around and do what I want.

I watched an interesting movie today, Kinsey. It was quite ridiculous at parts, but somewhat interesting. I don't know that I'd recommend, especially not for watching with parents, and people who are uncomfortable with sex. It is after all about the sex doctor who made scientific research about sexual habits. Very weird at parts.

Then I went on a run and it was nice. I was sitting in my room, looking outside at the wonderful evening sky; it was very cool, and comfortable. So I was thinking about biking, but it didn't seem like something I wanted to do. What I really wanted to do was to Skateboard, but I'm not good, and I don't have one, so I ran. I ran and ran and ran. I went down harewood to jackson, then to kathryn up past Katie's house and through brents apartment area, then up to 15th I think that is, and down towards the parks and rec center, then up that road to 25th, and down 25 past by the airport to Evergreen, then down Evergreen to sunset or whatever and through those neighborhoods home. Quite a run. It took around an hour. It probably shouldn't have, I doubt that's too far as far as miles go. But my pace wasn't very impressive so I would imagine it might have been 6 miles. I haven't run in such a long time though, I'm pleased with how I did. Then there are the nice bloody blisters I got on my toes mid run.I didn't stop except for a drink of water and to adjust my ipod. It ended up overheating so it stopped towards the end. I listened to Arcade Fire for a bit until I messed something up and it went to Travis. Good stuff for running I thought. I'm very tired, an hour of running is a lot, and my legs are weak. I'm going to go take a cold shower since my sister used up all the hot water. I'm loved by my family.

ALSO! I'M GOING TO EUGENE FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS! Goodbye

Sprechen Sie Germany?

It's been two days but it hasn't seemed so. I've been less worried with thoughts and more able to be free in my mind and let things wander. That's quite a relief, and while things didn't work out exactly as I might have hoped for, they aren't too shabby.

Life as of late has been good. Yesterday I can't remember what I did, I think I went shopping. It must have been yesterday. I bought three shirts from gap; green, yellow, and red, a lovely stretch polo from Express as well as an amazing pair of black dress pants, and to top it all off, white sailor shorts. The shorts are linen and super comfortable and look nice. My Mohawk, or fauxhawk as I'm told it's to be called, was also trimmed yesterday and now it looks perfect, or as perfect as I can get it.

How I love that green shirt I bought. It's great. Last night I also watched Finding Neverland, boy is that movie good. Johnny Depp is such a good actor, and his accent is amazing. I wish I could fake an accent, especially that Scottish one, or an Australian one. I've been told the ladies like an Australian accent.

Then today I got up really early, like 8:15 and went into Portland with Scott to talk to the German Consoulet. She was really nice, but not what we had anticipated. None the less she gave us enough information to please, and I couldn't help but smile the whole time. She talked in German to all the other customers and it was so awesome. I could pick up just enough of it that I didn't hate myself for not speaking it. Then we walked around, looked at nice stuff in Pioneer Place and headed home. Then we played airsoft, and that biatch hit me in the face. After I shot him mind you. So everyone when you see Scott give him a horrible time and make him feel terrible. He single handedly made me ugly. I now have a huge red spot on my face that might be mistaken as a giant pimple. HA! That’s what you get for using a gas gun against a nearly defenseless man Scott. I'll turn the world against you. But then everything will be fine because I won't hate him, and don't now, I just want to make him feel bad for a bit. As if Hannah being gone isn't crappy enough.

Then, I went over and baked apple sauce something's at the Upton's and came home for dinner. We had a chicken and cheese something casserole. It was good, and I ate a salad for a change. I really ought to eat healthier; I just crave a lot of junk though. I love to munch on sweets. I ought to substitute in carrots, and exercise. Ahh exercise, how I long to be fit and have a six pack instead of a full gut. And have muscles for arms. I should be a bit bigger than I am, then I could just maintain and life would be good. But do you know how hard it is to get into exercising? Very hard. It's really spur of the moment kind of deals, unless you're truly disciplined which I am not.

This is overly cliché, but after all this thought about life and crap for the past week I've started to realize I don't know where I'm going and I need to figure this out, but I don't even know how to get started- this has been one very long sentence.

i can't get no, satisfaction

I've really got to start living day by day; it'd simplify a lot of things I think. My mind gets cluttered and I drift towards fantasy and daydreams if I start to look into the future for things.

This morning I woke up at 11, which makes it difficult when you're supposed to be donating blood at that time. I was sure last night, when I was up until 2 or 3 because of the thoughts that were drowning me, that I'd be late to it, or wake up late. No matter, I rushed over and just as Mapquest said, it took fifteen minutes to get there. Being 25 minutes late was no bother to them, they were just glad I showed. Unfortunately due to how late in the day it was that I was giving, everyone had gone on break, and only about 3 people were actually working. I waited an hour and fifteen minutes to give, and I'm glad it turned out as well as it did. The side I was on was not one I wished to be, I wanted to be on the other side, where I saw confident nurses and confident donators. On my side the nurses seemed uneducated or at least incompetent, and the majority of the people donating had problems with veins not being right, or poor workmanship. It was a relief when my donation was smooth sailing and I was out after 8 minutes. This is much slower than the 5 it took me last time, mostly because I drank considerably more liquids then compared to this one where I forgot to do that. In any event, I saved 3 lives. Most people might feel satisfied, I'm not.

I don't think I'm easily satisfied, not much actually does satisfy me, I'm always searching for more or something else to fill a void. I think I must have a gaping hole somewhere inside me. I think if you were to take a picture like that of the Matrix where you saw pure energy, I would radiate enough to light the whole world. It'd be too much to look at. At least that’s the way I feel, I think I need an evil villain to come in and suck the energy from me.

There I go again, fantasy. Goodness, why can't I find a real way of releasing it? I could run until I fell down, but that'd be hard for me to get to do, and wouldn't even really accomplish anything. It's not just that energy, it’s like if you were to have levels of everything in me, there'd be Happiness, Love, Stress, Anger, Physical Energy, and mental energy, and a whole lot more I can't think of at the moment. And right now, Happiness is middle level and could probably go up, love is full I need to release it, stress is creeping up, anger is empty and ought to stay there, and physical energy is high and needs to go away, and mental energy is on the decline which coincides with the stress deal. I want to release the full bars like they are a valve and just release the pressure building up from them. I also want to clear things up inside my mind and delete some of the fantasy makers and replace them with realist.

I think if I were to go into coma I would lead a fantastic life inside my head. If all I had was my fantasy, I'd have the most romantic love story, exciting action adventures, and funniest comedies, but there is no place for that here. In Hollywood maybe, but in reality it just won't happen, and that’s getting to be pretty ridiculous. I think when I lose them though, I feel less humane and more of a pessimist and lose my caring nature. Whets worth staying here though? Not much really, my life hasn't brought forward anything great, and I'm not good at reaching out to get it, and usually in turn end up pushing it away unconsciously.

I'm still going to go with I need to act more than I think. I know that will only lead to trouble, those who don't think first get into tough shit, but it'd be a relief for once. After sitting back for 17 years I'm ready to get into something. If I acted fewer problems would arise inwards, but along with that comes outward problems. I'd cause problems if I acted on lots of my instincts, and it’s all about finding the right balance, but I honestly don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do much of anything related to bettering myself.

I went out to a movie and dinner tonight. Actually it was dinner, then a movie, then hanging out. We got hot chocolate, from Bella's, and it was once again, delicious. Then we had a good conversation, we're pretty much on the same page, as far as that goes. I looked good tonight as well. I worked on getting my hair to stand up, and then I wore my nice jeans and shoes, and had my glasses on. Any girl that saw me thought about it. HA!

I'm an idiot!

Of all the stuff I said I wanted to do today I accomplished....none of it, imagine that. I woke up and it was raining, or about to, I actually woke up fairly early, like 9:15. I picked up my Grandma from her house in Orenco and brought her to our house. She liked my haircut.

Then Anneliese and I went shopping for her work clothes, she got a job at Office Depot. The dress code is black pants and baby blue button up shirt. We went to Plato's closet first; she found a shirt and a coat. I told her she looks good in pink awhile ago, she said she hates it, yet she still buys it and apparently now it’s growing on her. I was right from the get-go. Then we went to other stores, but the big news it Express has a huge ass sale going on and I'm going to go tomorrow and buy a whole bunch of new clothes. Actually, just about every store we went to had a good amount of clothes on sale; I'll stop by Banana Republic too. They both have nice clothes that look good. Shopping with friends is fun, today was quite a bit of that. Miss Koehler is quite the cool person. We went to Bella espresso and got probably the best hot chocolate I'd had in quite some time, and we got zucchini bread that tastes like a mixture of Pumpkin and Banana Bread, at least to me, but I tasted a Mango the other day and thought of a carrot taste, so don't go off my judgment. I don't really know what she thought of my haircut, I think it might be growing on me a bit; at first I didn't like it much at all. None the less, I will be keeping it for a few days.

I can't remember what I did afterwards. Sometime after that stuff I took my brother to get his glasses. He's a giant copy-cat; he bought a pair that are very similar to mine. He just knows I have impeccable tastes and wants to dress like me; it's not his fault that I'm so good.

I've become a clean-freak. I actually cleaned up the kitchen tonight. Not even asked to, I just said, "what the crap people? Clean up after yourselves!" And then I grew a goatee and turned into my dad. My goodness, I have picked it up off of him so bad, but the thing is, messes don't really bother me, its the fact that I have absolutely nothing else to do. When I'm bored I clean.

But I did watch Hostage tonight and that was a good movie. It was also pretty intense at a few parts, and I see myself as the youngest kid in that, if I were to be one of them. The oldest kid, my goodness, I wanted to freaking punch him out. He's such a terrible person, and the older brother wasn't that good to the younger one. I won't tell too much about it if you were to want to watch it later. But I got mad at that one kid, seriously I wanted to tackle him. I don't know why fantasy things get me riled. Maybe because its safe to get into that, because if it were real, I'd crap my pants and hide and be a baby. I haven't felt like very fulfilled lately, I want to do more, more cool stuff. I want to accomplish something, nothing I do is cool, recognizably cool. But why do I need to be recognized? That’s stupid, I'm conflicting with myself as we speak, I say one thing and mean another, or have thoughts and deny them. It's happened too many times, if I were strong I'd change it, but I'm weak sauce, and it'll stay the same.

I get so into music. I think I must be 100% fantasy person, all I do is dream, never to be in reality. With music I feed this, I can play a CD and lay in bed and just let go. I dream and let loose of anything that's be clogging my thoughts. I also tend to dream about fixing things in life, or doing things that, if it were real life, I'd never do. Dammit. I did have an interesting daydream where I had a few lip rings. I think they came up from my new haircut and how its not like me, which lip rings aren't. I should use fake ones and see how that'd look. Maybe I'll become a punk-face kid. No, I wouldn't like that, I like the clothes I have. I'm changing though, I can feel that happening and its not just appearance. It's thoughts, and friends, and everything around me. It's a lot to think about.

I manage to fuck everything up. I do that a lot too, lose lots of good things that way. Whats my problem?

Boom boom zap

Today wasn't too bad of a day at all. The sun was out while I was out, so that made most of it fun. Scott and I went to this rock and bark dust place and picked out a few small boulder deals for our front lawn and that was pretty interesting. I'd never done anything like that before. Then we came home and didn't do much at all. In fact, I honestly can't remember what it was we did the entire time. I remember an incredibly intense game of Halo. He versus I in a battle royale style with Rockets.

I should have won, I had 29 kills, the score was to 25. Unfortunately, because of my quick reactions I shot him point blank, and with Rockets a little bit of an explosion occurs. I died. 6 times. So because of those, and Scott's lack of suicides, he won. It was so close though. It was so incredibly intense.

Then we decided to go see a Timbers game again. Unfortunately for us they weren't playing. Instead it was the Beavers, and luckily we went to Fred Meyers to get our tickets beforehand. That’s when we were told it was in fact a Beavers game and the Seattle game we anticipated going to was tomorrow, in Seattle. Oh well, we thought, we'll find something else to do. After all, we'd be planning to go see a movie and that didn't happen twice, now was the time. So Megan and Nicole, who had planned on going to the game with us, instead drove with us to Corn-town to see War of the Worlds.

Now lots of people have thoughts on this movie. The plot sucked, yada yada yada. Well, it's all true, but I didn't care. I didn't go into it to see an excellent dialogue or plot, I wanted to see amazing special effects and aliens and stuff. The plot worked out just fine for my enjoyment, I didn't have to think for the 2.5 hours I was there for, and that’s what I went to see a movie for. The movie was good I'd say. Sure things didn't make sense, but that’s fine. It's good, go see it. Also, it was so absolutely intense; it had me so wired through out the entire thing. It was just like super high anticipation and way intense. It was fun.

Oh I forgot to mention an important thing we did before we made it to the movie. I got a haircut. I can't remember how it came about, Megan threw in getting it done before the movie, Scott threw in shaving it, we all decided on a mow hawk for a few days, so now that’s where it is. I'll put pictures on myspace as soon as I take them, and then put them on here soon enough. It's not a very good look for me, but I couldn't get it to stick up, maybe once I get that it will be okay. Also Megan and Scott didn't cut it all the way even; Nicole chose not to cut any. She's a cool girl; she's going to Mexico on Saturday so everyone ought to be jealous. I know I am.

Nothing else happened tonight, except that I watched an excellent program on the human muscles and bones on Discovery channel. That was good, and also worth catching.

Things are just feeling so hard lately. I've been feeling worn out, mentally mostly. I just want to clear it all out, and go back to simple. Maybe an extended vacation would work out. I don't know what, my mind just feels full lately. Too many hard thoughts. My family has been asking a lot more of me than usual, and that’s getting to be hard too. My simple days are being filled with things I need to do, versus what I want to do. My eyes are tired of it too. As weird as it may seem, I keep working things out in there and seeing them, and it is straining, maybe that’s just my eyes now, after a long day and now looking at the computer screen, but I think I'm going to take a break tomorrow. Exercise a lot. I think I'll play some tennis to start, then go on a long ass bike ride, and then maybe some swimming, and relaxing in a hot tub of some sort, somewhere, then read. That’s sounds nice.

I think I've pinned it down to a feeling of inadequacy, or incompetence. I can't do anything I want to. That’s frustrating.

Morning is amazing

I woke up at 7 to take my car to my mechanics today. It was a glorious thing; the morning was. On the way home my dad and I stopped at Home Depot and it was pretty much amazing. The entire place was empty, even the parking lot, and the sun was up and it was becoming really warm. I need to start getting to bed earlier so I can enjoy that more often. Maybe I'll make it to sunrise at 5:30 or whatever it's at now. Man I wish I was a morning person, because morning people can handle late night, they get tired, but it can happen, I can't even get the freak up before 9 these days.

Then I did some other things with Scott. And watched Hitch at home.

I'll get to work on my smoothness factor ASAP.

Mr. Officer, if you've come to take her, then that means one of us goin' end up in a stretcher

229 years ago today our Country became known as the United States of America after we became officially independent of Britain.

Now-a-days we light fireworks and have barbeques to celebrate that joyous occasion.
This morning started out sort of slow, I was half asleep for most of the afternoon while I did even more yard work, this time for my dad, and then took a lazy few hours to play video games and rest. It wasn't until about 5 or 6 that I started getting going. It's sad since that’s only about 6 or 7 hours ago, but what can you do? Hot days make people lazy, and I was no exception. I'll try and recall everything I did before the night began. I don't think I ate breakfast, wait, yes I did, I had a cinnamon roll. Then I began working on the lawn with my dad, and afterwards I showered and went to Lowes and Home Depot in search of a replacement grill wheel. Neither place specifically had them so I had to improvise, that is, after my dad told me to instead look for any single wheel's that could have a rod going through them. I was in his car at the time. I should now tell you that I went alone, and made about 5 phone calls home for more specifications, and take note of me being in his car. I go back into Home Depot, gooh! I just realized I've had a penny in my mouth this whole time. I'll probably get a VD or something, gross, I'm going to wash my mouth out. Anyways, I go into Home Depot and get two wheels and come out only to discover I don't have the keys in either pant pocket. OH CRAP! What am I supposed to do? Where did I put them, they couldn't have fallen out could they? Crap, crap crap crap! I walk around the other side of the car to check what I felt would be an unlikely place; I couldn't have left them in the ignition. Wait, yes, yes I did. Fantastic, I've left the keys in the ignition the entire time I was in the store and now I'm locked out. So I have to call my dad again and have him give me the pass code for the car.

Now I'm home and begin to play video games and watch tv and eat a meat sandwich. Probably upwards of a quarter pound of turkey, ham, and bologna. Then I decided I'd like to learn a few songs on the guitar that I had been listening to by The Arcade Fire, and I began to play them as they played. It wasn't too difficult to figure it out and I felt good about myself for doing that. I figured out bits of 3 songs today. Other than that I felt pretty sluggish and crappy, but then we hit early evening, 5/6, and I get more active, our barbeque is about to begin, family is arriving, and so I start to move around. I get a strawberry daiquiri and end up spilling 85% of it in the garage near the nice digital camera. Then like 30 random neighbors and neighbors friends came and polluted my driveway, so I being the anti-weird-stranger social person I am, went inside and ate my lovely hamburger there. My brothers and I then watched on the History channel a story about a counterfeit who counterfeit casino tokens and made mad bank off that, and didn't get caught for a few years, and now he works with the US Mint to help prevent it. Pretty freaking rad if you ask me.

Then I went out and enjoyed the evening. First Scott Richards and I talked and lit fireworks together. Oh, and assisted every kid in the neighborhood in adding cardboard and bottles to their bike to make it sound cool. My fireworks usually beat his out.
Later on in the night, after Scott left, and the big illegal fireworks were coming into play, I rediscovered the coolness that is Kalena LeAnne Bell. She's definitely a way rad girl, and I enjoyed talking with her. She just got back from Hawaii, that lucky girl, I wouldn't have minded two weeks in the Tropical Sun with the chance to learn to surf. She apparently is big into road biking so we decided we'll end up doing that sometime. And possibly the beach this week. That'd be a lot of fun. I've wanted to go forever.

I still really want to do that coastal campout.

ahh.....

Today I woke up after 10 and went to my grandparent’s house to take care of their lawn. As I began listening to music my mind began to really wander and it was sort of an odd thing. It's strange how certain music relates not only to certain events, but to people, and when you hear a certain song, you might think of that event or that person. Then I turned on Mew and those ended and I was able to be productive. Mew is a good band to kind of zone out and get stuff done to, I don't know that any of you would like them, they're foreign and have a different sound, but they're worth trying. I am pretty sure I did the most fantastic job anyone ever has with a manual push-mower. So for this thing to make a dent in the grass you have to make at least 5 trips around the entire area of the lawn, and rake the excess away. After doing that I edged wonderfully, and overall it looks pretty great. Of course I raked the rest of the crap and the weeds were removed, but that wasn't what made it look as good as it did. The fact that a few weeks ago, when I had forgotten to mow it then did, it looks almost dead, and now it’s completely green. I'm good.

Then I came home and played Video games with my cousin and Brother. The Timbers game definitely got me in a mood to play soccer, so the yesterday I rented one for my X Box. It's funny to play because it’s not in any way realistic as far as rules because it is perfectly acceptable to slide tackle, kick, or push a guy over, even when he doesn't have the ball. But that’s what makes it worth playing; I can pretty much kick the crap out of every team on it. Mexico is really hard though, they're good.

Later in the evening, after my chicken dinner and 6 scoops of ice cream(I've been eating terribly ever since that campout, and that really needs to change, I feel awful) I tried to start a little LAN party of Tiger Woods golf with my brother and dad, but their computers were messing up and that didn't work out.

Then Becky came knocking on the door, and it turns out she was on a run and was in the neighborhood and stopped by. We walked back to her house and talked, then hung out for the rest of the night.

That is, until I got back and finished The Inferno 2 with my brother, minus the last episode, On Demand didn't have that one, stupid fool, completely ruined it for me. I want to watch it. It’s really intriguing watching people and how they act. Not just in TV, but in real life. If you can be completely indifferent, which I’m usually pretty good at, it works out. I’ve noticed things about others behaviors, and even what they say and see the motivation behind it and whether it’s just or just from the moment. That kind of creates a lack of personal interest though. I’m not sure where it really fits in, caring, and not caring. It’s hard to explain really. It’s like there’s times when I know I ought to care about what is being said and I truly do, and others that I feel bad because I don’t really care, but I care about the person and listen, but it doesn’t affect me. It’s sort of a double-edged knife. You can say you don’t care what people say, and in some regards that’s a very good thing, it means you’re confident about yourself, and then other times it seems, to me at least, to mean you don’t care about the person or their feelings and that’s not good at all. It’s terribly difficult to find a happy medium. Except the times when all the person really wants or needs is someone to listen.

I haven’t expressed all of my thoughts here tonight. Some of the things I want to put down are a little too hard to word.

Oh well

My Brother is home sick with Mono, the kissing disease, which apparently isn't actually passed on from it. I don't see how it can't be, you are swapping saliva, if you roll that way, and swapping bodily fluids usually transmits disease, but I don't really feel like looking it up, so I'll take his word.

Yesterday I didn't do much that I can recall. I know I did yard work for a few hours finishing our Job at the Wendell’s. Then in the evening Anneliese, Scott, Megan, and her friend Nicole came over and we watched Life Aquatic. I can't say I thought it was amazing, it was alright, I'd have to watch it again. Maybe I ought to get high first. I'm beginning to imagine that’s part of the reason the sources saying it was such an amazing movie said so. Any who, it wasn't too shabby. The way it was shot was interesting, and the fact that money wasn't an issue was funny because they had basically anything they wanted. Like freaking handguns for each member, except the interns who had to share. But who gives their crew a gun to have just because they can? Weird, weird movie.

And then today was a lazy day. I woke up late, didn't mow my grandparents lawn like I usually do. I don't really care though, I get it done tomorrow. Then I watched TV with my brother Jake. We watched on Demand MTV Inferno 2. We basically watched the entire show in an hour and a half. If you fast forward through all the crap it’s really short. All I was interested in were the challenges; the fighting didn't interest me much. These people must get paid. No way would I do anything remotely close to what they do if the camera was on me. Well, I can't say I'd do anything remotely close to what they do even without cameras. I've realized I fairly chill guy compared to others. Little things don't bother me. If people want to talk about me behind my back, I don't think I'd care much. I'd certainly be curious, but I'm not going to throw their crap into a pool. I think it’s because most things I don't take extremely seriously. It's just sort of fun, and I'll play with it. I'm glad I stay away from conflict, or if I am involved, I'm usually trying to solve it for others.

I think the only things that get me upset are video games and my family leaving crap in my room. Oh, and Mr. Powell, I hate that man. Music definitely doesn't do anything to me. It affects Scott a lot, but me, I can't get pumped. Oh well. That will be on my gravestone: "DAVID BURTON ZAVERTNIK, 'OH WELL'," dates are thus far unknown, unless...my death is going to be on November 01 2079. So it will officially say,

DAVID BURTON ZAVERTNIK
August 3rd 1987
To
November 1st 2079
'Oh well.....'

Ah yes, it will be nice. I think it ought to be a tall one, one of the obelisque types. I like them the most. And perhaps some engravings on it. But look at that, that isn't for another 74 years, meaning I'll have lived 92 years. Hopefully the later of them had been healthy and I just died one day, maybe from saving my wife from her death. That's the way I'd like to go out, old and healthy.