I just want to sing a song for you

Key words of the few past days. I've been relaxing, and rejuvinating myself. Today I've stopped worrying about some things, not to say i won't pick them up again, but for now, I am content.
This is an odd statement considering I might not be able to apply to the University of San Francisco because I messed up on some requirements- like needing a letter of rec by tomorrow- so that could be a bummer since I really could see myself going there, and I am sure it's one no one I know will be at, which would probably be good for me. I say this because i need to get out and step outside my box. I spend too much time in the places I am comfortable so I am missing out on unique opportunities. I say this, knowing what I could do instead, but also knowing that come tomorrow, I will not step past the line, I'll stay stuck here for a while, probably until college. This is not to say I don't enjoy what I have, I am very fortunate and have good friends, but I am certain there is so much more out there that I haven't bothered to look to, or at.
Today, our band, i hate to say 'my band' because its not, I am not a leader in any way of it, I go, play, offer my opinions, but in no way head it. Its Matt's band if anything. Anywho, we played today and we made up a new song. Its pretty cool as well, Mikey once again pulled through on some awesome bass stuff. I like that we can create music, I remember back when some of us tried to get something going but it went no where, now we're actually getting stuff done, its a nice thing. I am pretty excited for Saturday; I hope we are ready.
Tonight I went over to Anneliese's house and I enjoyed that. Its a relief not having the 'I like this girl' thing going on when I am around her. We just lied there and talked for a few hours until she fell was tired and I left. Strangely enough, Jeff Upton was there. The thing is, neither of us knew it, he said he was coming but we both were wondering where he was. Turns out the kid was in another room talking to one of the Koehlers the entire time. Strange kid that Jeff Upton, good though, good one. It was nice to have someone to hang out with and be close to without any feelings involved; very nice.
Then I came home and took some of these online blog test's from Myspace. Apparently, I am the element Air, I am a newborn soul, and I act like that of a 23 year-old. www.blogthings.com thats the website, you too can take these tests and learn about yourself. That about ends my thoughts for tonight.

Dry your eye's mate

I went to the car show today with Matt Haide, cool guy, and saw some amazing cars. I'd love to own several, including a Jaguar, a Mercedes, and a BMW. Also maybe an Infinity, a VW. You know basically everyone there that was worth seeing. I could really go for winning the lottery and getting away in a nice BMW. Just driving for a long time, getting away from here, and enjoying the sun and all that jazz.
The rest of my thoughts can basically be described through this song, except I never had anyone:
In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin'

Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over

I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.

Insert coin and turn switch

Today was supposed to be a great day, but it didn't fully turn out to be such a day. The math test was supposed to go well, yet I feel like I failed it. The bright side was Katie thinks she did well on hers, and she said my help was part of how she thinks she well, so that's cool. I'm pretty sure that'll make my grade a 'C' meaning I will have two C's as I had guessed I might. Looks like I goofed. Funny thing about today was I enjoyed English. Powell didn't seem like an ass, and we are starting poetry- something I don't understand, but I am excited to learn to. Next semester is looking up, a fresh start, I'm going to do well.
I then went to Red Robins with Taylor, Scott, and Elyse and that was enjoyable; I haven't eaten there since football season. Its a good thing their food is delicious because a nine dollar burger has to be.
Then I came home and did jack crap for 5 hours. It was such a waste! took a nap for an hour and a half, so I'll be up late tonight, and the rest of it was me sitting in front of this damn computer. I don't understand it, its like I don't fully have control because I understand no one is coming to talk and stuff, yet I sit there and think, hey maybe they will. Its pretty ridiculous.
Then I hung out with Becky, and for the first time in a bit I didn't even think about liking her, hopefully that'll continue for a long time. It's really too bad she's so fantastic because that makes it a lot harder.

Powell is a jerk, do not refute it

Today was pretty good, I can't say its as accomplished as yesterday but I feel pretty good. I'm awfully tired and I don't think I have yet come to the realization of how bad my report card is going to be. Its a very good possibility I could be flying out with two C's. If you didn't take the massive extra credit I got in Ferris' class I'd have a C in there too. I don't know what happened to me but its not that good. The thing is, I am completely deserving of these grades, yet I am still going to do my best to persuade my way out of it.
I'm unsure of a lot. I want a job, but I want to have free time, I want to go to college, but I need so badly some time away from school, I am in love with someone, but I can't keep liking her. Its all contradictory and its crappy. That feels like all I do these days, contradict past statements, lifestyles, whatever it is. I just want to be consistently happy. I'm tired of worrying about things, life is too important to worry about stupid things like this.
I do know what I am good at; people, not necessarily reading them, but dealing/interacting with them. I like to make people happy, its a good time when you can make people smile, that's why last night was so good.
Today I can once again so I want to quit life for a bit. Figure things out, make it all workout, and life would be good. This weekend will be the start of it, feel free to join me. I will take tomorrow and erase the problems of the past semester and start over with the next. I owe it to myself.

Wowza Bowza

I've thought to myself I'd like to look back on everyday and feel good about it. It has to be worthwhile or I have lost a day for nothing. Today I feel accomplished and oh so good.
During school was the regular, getting a C in English, that type of thing, but after school, whoot whoot. I first went to Powell and confronted him about my grades. I was "respectful" he said yet I wasin. able to convey how stupid his logic was, and he is going to give me an extra credit opportunity. But its only valid if he feels like its worthy of getting me to a B. Then I went home and had delicious Bagel Bites. Afterwards I studied a bit for AP Gov, and then I freaking jammed it up with Laurie, and Matt, and Mikey. We made up this song thats soooooo cool! I love it, Mikey made up this sweet breakdown on his bass that is AWESOME! I am really excited about it.
Then i came home and ate dinner, then went home and was expecting a call from Katie saying I could come over and we could study math. When 7 came around I hear a knock and bam! shes at my house. I was surprised but it was good. I felt really good about actually being able to help someone with their homework. Plus she is a rad girl. I ought to spend more time with her. We had a productive evening....alone....which was actually nice, don't need to worry about parents trying to be impressive or anything. Then Anneliese came over, she needed help with the Video Camera. Let me tell you, I was mister popular tonight, I got tons of phone calls asking for my assistance from kids at school. Also my brother and mom and stuff. I felt pretty good. I sound really needy and crappy right now for loving the attention, but hey, I don't get it a whole lot, so its okay to lap it up.
Then I came up here and talked to Becky. Things don't work when people don't want the same thing. I am going to try extra hard to stop feeling so bad for myself for her not wanting anything with me. It pretty much only makes things crappy and it can't make things easy for her and Andy. Its hard to say that. The kid a great person, he is pretty fucking lucky too. (That reminds me, its nice to use that word sometimes. Its very appropriate in emotional phrases. Sorry if I offended anyone, but hey, its a good word sometimes.) So yes, I'd say I am jealous of Andy, he's got something with the girl I really really like, love, and thats hard. Accept it though, thats what I have to do. It won't happen, keep that in mind, I'm almost gone, this is helping a bit. But next time I see her it'll hurt agaThat's life, and it happens.

Timothy, where have you been?

Music affects my moods quite easily. I've listened to Death Cab for Cutie, Jet, Coldplay and random other songs all sharing a common slow rock beat. That makes me feel tired and sluggish, and doesn't qualify me for a "good" mood.
Tonight is a different view on my girl situation, and I think these songs about love and such are influencing it. I went over to the Uptons house and I was trying to work on Math but I didn't want to. What I wanted was to sit by Becky and talk, and have that contact from the other night. I don't like these feelings because they just eat away at you for a long time. You can't do anything about it and it just sits there gnawing making you think about constantly. It's pretty useful because no-matter how blissful the thoughts, they aren't going to happen.
So I am sitting here, feeling absolutely no purpose to still be awake but I can't take the steps to climb into bed, i don't understand it. I am staying up late, feeling tired during school, and not performing well, so I need to go. I don't want to be here anymore. I really hope I can go study abroad within the first year of the architecture program, or at least in my Sophomore year. I really need to get away and do that whole self-exploration thing. I'll do that one of these days, and bring my guitar, assuming I'll get an acoustic by then, and write songs. Good songs, and maybe I'll sing enough that I'll get good. I am going to work at getting a job after school.
Little things can bring a whole lot of happiness.

Its late

Its now officially 1:36. Quite late to be staying up when you have to be to school at 8:30, but I am not tired and I don't want to sleep, so I'm not yet. Today was alright. I still really hate Gary Powell. He is an awful teacher and I want to punch him in the face.
I am having second thoughts about take a full load next semester. Maybe I should focus on a job and make money so I can buy stuff. I kind of want to have it though because I really enjoy the idea of taking Adv Art and Photography. We'll see how it plays out.
Sitting here not being able to leave the house makes me want next year to come even faster than it is. When I am at college I can do what i want when I care to do it. This will be good because it will allow me to figure out what works best. I also want the opportunities Jake is getting. I just got an email from him in New Zealand and he has done all this ridiculously rad stuff and I am sitting here doing crap.
Also, today I noticed I am tired of looking at a lot of people from school. Lots of the girls are fake, and I have been slammed with so much information about how people go through life its upsetting. I don't like hearing about all the people I know who smoke pot all the time and who drink and have wild parties. And who live crazy lifestyles that I don't understand. I've certainly led a pretty sheltered life up until this year. I've found out so much about the kids at Glencoe and kids my age everywhere. Its disheartening.
I'm going to enjoy this four day weekend coming up. Its going to give me time to do stuff I want without thinking of anything else that's bothersome. I'm going to utilize the time and get a bunch of things accomplished. It will be a good time.

Scrumptulescent

I want life to pause. I need to able to do things to gain experience so I can get caught up/be ahead and be more well prepared for the future. I want to be smarter than I am, more athletic than I am, and know what to do in certain situations.
There is so much I am thinking about right now but none of it seems worth saying. Its all going to change soon enough and no one cares about it in the moment. So do I talk about it and leave it as memories to look back on, or do I just end and not bother to spend time writing?
I think I might now get why people leave stuff private, because there is no point saying things to people. Why do you need to know everything I am thinking?It keeps me as an open book and it might not be right for the situation- what i am thinking. It might make other people uncomfortable, or upset, or something else. If you really want to know. Ask me I guess. Plus judging from the lack of comments, no one reads these anyways.
Here's what is okay to say. I love the soundtrack to Garden State. Its so good.

I'll be your winter coat...

Its nights like these that make things better. After spending an incredibly boring day at school, then coming home to an incredibly boring afternoon where I lied on my bed listening to Death Cab for Cutie and just day dreamt, I went and Becky and I watched Garden State.
That movie is lovely, and I am glad I watched it again. I didn't elaborate enough on it before, but I really liked the message it sent out. Its going to sound lame but I really really like what Albert said, and its true. If I have someone I love thats all I'll need. Its hard to figure out all that I want to say about it, so I will end.
Then Becky and I were talking about the future, something I have been thinking about a lot, and its really weird because next year is going to be different. And whatever I try to picture it as will not really be what happens, so no future "plans" can actually be made. I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 5 years.
Right now I don't feel like talking or writing- its not going to come out right- but one thing is for sure, Becky is fantastic.

I'll be dreaming of you...

those lyrics are in fact that of Hillsboro and Glencoe's very own "Hope all is Well". Good job kids.
Today was probably the first day I had ever been tired the whole day. I woke up at like 7 after going to bed after one, so running on less than 6 hours is hard. And during Human Bio I almost fell asleep, and then during 3rd I felt like my eyes were weighted, and fifth I was so tired that Mr. Ferris asked me if I was okay- he thought that what we were talking about upset me a lot. We were talking about how the government is a bunch of freaking liars and there is not once place in the world you can look to for honesty. The president won't tell the truth, his peeps won't tell the truth, the news spins it(that is a hard thing to comprehend. Everyone gets their information from the news, yet its not entirely truthful, and it decides what is worth being news!), and other sources put spin too. Its truly frustrating, and I was upset, but not like he thought.
Today after school woke me up for about two hours: I ran a mile and then played around in the wrestling room with Scott and some other peeps. It was super fun, it was almost exactly what I have wanted to do forever. Take one of those big huge pad mat things like for rope climbing in PE and we ran around and jumped onto it. We ran on the wall as far as we could, most was 5 steps, and then just rolled into it. Then we jumped it. So many fun things can be done with that puppy.
Then back to tired. I got a "cuddle" fix sort of. I call it "cuddle" because everyone comments on how its not really what it is, but I am thinking close contact type stuff. I enjoyed it.
Final thought; smells are interesting. I can smell stuff and know it belongs to other people. I like some people's smell.

Mantaray?

Today was a pretty alright day, I made a kickin poster for StuCo, it read, "GOOD LUCK ON FINALS! YOU CAN DO IT!!" I was pretty stoaked about it. Then after school I played guitar with Matt and Laurie as a jam session for BOTB. I think we came together pretty well. Laurie has some good songs to work with, I am excited to actually play in it. I get to play lead, and I am feeling pretty good about my skill level, I played pretty well with them. I wish I had my guitar with me instead of leaving it in my car, I want to play the songs now.
I also went to my first Wrestling match tonight. I now know why everyone goes to all these sporting events at school. They are fun! This was really cool to watch, as was Basketball, I seriously missed out by not going to any. Next is a swim meet for Eric, and then maybe a ski race. That'd be rad! All of these activities today made me get home late, leaving little time for studies, and because I didn't have a chance to do any other routine stuff I got online and haven't done an ounce of homework. I finally talked to Christine after a two or three week hiatus. That was nice. Elyse is still fantastic. And I told people I loved them.
Until tomorrow...

I'll figure it out

Today was good at school. I enjoyed that, then I went home and got a lesson in stock markets from my Grandpa Judson, an extremely intelligent man, and I enjoyed that. He can teach me a lot. Side note: I came to the conclusion today that tired girls cuddle better. The basketball was also good, i need to go to more of those.
I am figuring things out about relationships. They are extremely fragile and can waiver pretty easily. So I messed things up again, only to work to rebuild them in due time. I am pretty good at that; messing things up then working to put them back. I should take that as a career.
Also; Elyse Gambino is by far the best person to talk to ever. She is always such a compliment to any conversation. Get to know her, you won't regret it.

Smile like you mean it....

Today was day three of my vegetable weekend. I didn't do anything once again. Its weird how this is working out. I did do some math homework and heres the story about that. I sat down at my desk here and started, then i decided I wanted music, so I set up a Coldplay set equaling about 96 minutes, then I went to work. I worked for that entire time and some- on 10 problems! It was the slowest day ever.
I also signed up for myspace because it won't let me look at other peoples stuff without an account. While doing so I realized how much I hate my hairstyle because every picture of me on my computer sucks, usually because of the massive frowish thing going on upstairs. Also I think my face has matured over the past few months because I look very young in most all of them, and glasses sometimes look good, others not. I need to take better pictures. I was looking through my senior pictures and those don't even look completely like me anymore, that was this summer. It happens I guess, time for bed.
Also, those lyrics in my title are from the Killers. I like that song, and those lyrics made me think of the good ole days of summer and specific events from then. Hannah was talking about this in her blog- the fact she associates songs with events. The other big one for me was Real McCoy was a band I was into in like 5th grade and whenever I heard "run away" I thought of Mighty Ducks the movie. I am working on remembering dreams as well, next one I remember enough I will post, if i deem it worthy enough.

A champagne supernova in the sky

Today was the most uneventful day so far. If I have said this before, its okay, because this takes the cake. I haven't done anything! I sat in my room most of the day, just kind of lounging, tidying up a bit, listening to music, but honestly, I didn't do anything productive.
Come 6 or 7 I felt really bad about this sluggishness, so I read a book- "Death of a Salesmen." I really enjoyed it. Its kind of sad because its all about this family who has lived their entire lives working up to fantasies that are not plausible. Its really quite sad because these characters will never be happy because they won't ever get where they say they can. Its a pretty easy read and isn't terribly long, like 120 pages or something, I'd recommend it.
I also left most of my homework at school which will make it extremely difficult to get that done. I think I am going to go see "Hotel Rwanda" soon. It looks really really good, and its something I'd thought about a while back; the genocide there that is. In 100 days over 1 million people were killed. I actually started thinking about it when the Tsunami hit because that is 55K people dead, which is huge and incredibly tragic don't get me wrong, but look at this Rwanda incident. It gains hardly any news coverage and its even more people. I know there is more of this stuff going on now, its not over, so why isn't it publicized? Its kind of annoying how much power the media has over things and how they affect what people choose to care about and such.
I am going to bring lots of change for the Tsunami victims though. I was thinking about that today as well. I have a large sum of cash on hand, something like 70 bucks. I look at it and say, "I don't want to get rid of that" but how crappy is that?! I am too tight to give away 70 bones to people who dont have anything. Look at me, I have a feaking house, a computer, a tv, video games, clothes, family, and so much opportunity, lots of these people don't have it anymore, so I am going to bring that money and donate it, along with the change I have. I don't think it would be possible to not anymore. I've thought about it, I know that by me keeping it so I can get a pair of jeans or put it towards an iPod, means that some others who are far more needy aren't getting it, and that just makes me selfish. Anyone who reads this and is able to, think about it. That spare change in your wallet can be replaced with work, etc, the Tsunami victims need it now, and they don't have the opportunity we have to make it.

Booyah!

Today it was icy. Now this is both good and bad, good because it wouldn't be difficult for it to keep up and make school stay out even more and leads to the possibility of snow. Its bad because I can't get anywhere. I really wanted to make a candle today and make a cake but neither can be completed without the proper supplies, and I don't have them. I also can't get a haircut, I want one of those too.
I mailed my UO Arch. program application today. That means I am official finished with two of three, the third not being do for a few weeks. This makes for a very relaxing weekend. I have hardly any homework and so much time for stuff to happen.
This marks the third day in a row I am ending the day happy. I played video games with my cousin Jeremy, went to a great restaurant for Kevin Upton's 50th B-day, and hung out at the Uptons house afterwards for a while.
Ooh, I could not forget to mention in greater detail of the dining experience. So while walking to the restaurant, Jeff decided to park as far away as possible for some reason, we had a group of 7 and we were about 20 feet from P.F. Changs, when Kevin slips on some of the ice and almost falls. We are all in shock and make sure that he is okay, he is, and we continue, not more than five seconds later Kate Upton slips on ice, making the tally 2. Shortly after, another few seconds, John Ayres slips on some ice on top of some tanbark, then, the final trippee, Andy Turner, within a few seconds of John's mishap, trips up a bit on some more ice. That makes a total of 4 people. Out of 7! It was probably the funniest thing in the world. I don't think it could have been better choreographed. One right after another, in different places, in different forms. Then, once in P.F. Changs I see Kalena from school, apparently she is a hostess. I say hi introduce Jeff, and then say goodbye and sit down. Dinner goes by, she walks by a few times I say hello, give her a high five, that sort of thing. Then as dinner ends and we opened our fortune cookies I got one that said, "You and your spouse will lead a very happy life" I thought it was crappy but I didn't really care. Then later, Jeff and I got onto the subject of that and I said, or he did, I don't know, I should tell Kalena that its talking about her and I, and that she ought to prepare for a great future. It was of course just for giggles, but as we left the restaurant I decided, "what the heck" and did it. She laughed and then asked me for my number. And viola! (can't add an accent) I have a possibility for a date or something. If she calls, I will ask her out on one. She seems really cool and I think it'd be rad.

I like candles...

The past two days have been pretty darn good. Talk about mood swings, jeeze. But I think I know why it got better; I talked with my doctor and she gave me some good alternatives to make me less sleepy and feel more refreshed. They have helped a lot. I got a good nights sleep, and today and yesterday I actually talked to Becky in a normal way. We acted just as we did before so I am pleased about that. Jeff and I are cool, I think that was just a bad mood thought, I don't know if it was valid. But Anneliese, sheeze! She is seeming super distant, I've seen her like 20 times but she has only said hi like twice, and after I said it. Today I tried asking her about the weekend and she totally zoned out and didn't even reply. I don't know what the deal is, but she hasn't even come up and given me a hug in a week, which if you know her, is strange. She's very affectionate, which makes me curious.
Other than that stuff is good, applications are finally over, well I still have University of San Fran but thats weeks from now, so I can work at a leisurely pace. I think stress was another root of the bad mood. I am felling less stressed for certain and that lightens things up a lot. Tomorrow I am going to make my own candle because today I burnt like 5 for a really long time and I have been collecting wax. So with all of tonights I've got a crapload. I am pretty excited for this as well, it'll be cool. Plus I am going to make a cake soon. And it might snow.

Well shucks...

Tonight, once again, my procrastination crept up on my and chopped my face off. I like that better than bit me in the butt because this one was a really big mess up. It involves my applications. I thought that UO was like UW and I didn't need to send a transcript to them until the end of the year, but upon closer inspection I needed to. Now I still have time to get it in- for regular admission, but the thing is, I needed it to be in by the 15th of Dec. so I could get into the Architecture program. I don't know what this means. I turned in everything but the transcript, so I don't know if I can still get into the program or not. If not, then I wasted three teachers time and resources by having them write letters of rec for me. This pisses me off. I really wish I had done everything right so I didn't need to worry about it. This will be the second night in a row that I will stay up until 12 working on stuff. I have to have all application stuff done and sent in by friday. I really need to get cracking. I have yet to write the essay and complete the drawings, and then for UW I have to make a brag sheet.
I also have to do homework for tomorrow. This day didn't start well- I spilt a crapload of milk all over the kitchen- and it isn't ending well. This is why I need a vacation. So I don't have to worry about all this crap.

What the Heck?!

Today wasn't a great day. Firstly, I don't have a lot of stuff done in AP Government because I have procrastinated but I think I ought to turn everything in so there are no gaps, which means I have a lot of work to do. I have math due tomorrow and I don't have the sheet to do it with, not to mention I can't do math anymore, I do the same problem over and over again and keep getting it wrong. And all my relationships are weird again. I mentioned it before but it seems like things have changed with the people I was closest to before break. Jeff seems to find me annoying all the time and that I need attention all the time. Anneliese doesn't seem to acknowledge me, I barely get hello's out of her much less anything else. Becky and I are still in weird, can't seem to talk well stage, and so this is not helping my mood. So today I will complain, I am complaining, but whatever, I don't get why everything has to suck so bad.
Megan had a bad day too. She has been having a rough freshman year, and it brings up some good subject matter, which is why I will talk about it. She didn't make Glencoe's dance team, she didn't make point, and she didn't get callbacks for the musical. So what do you do in this situation? The adults chose to say, "well work harder and prove them wrong" You can't say that, it doesn't work. Other people say, "sorry, its their loss anyways" what does that do? do they even believe that? Or, which is probably the truth, they just are saying that to be nice. As far as the callbacks go people would say, "well that means you could have been perfect for a single part, or they want you to be ensemble" looking back you can see that the former is a one in a million occurrence, and the second is only a guess. There is really nothing to say. I can't say anything. I definitely feel really bad because she has devoted tons of time to dancing and all that jazz so how are you supposed to feel when you are told you aren't good enough? That is just sucky. I freaking hate cuts and that crap. It makes people feel shitty, then the people who make it usually make a big point that they did, they either say right out they did, constantly talk about it, or do both.
Why can't I quit life for a bit? Pause time and have vacation until I feel content with getting back into it. I just don't know if that would ever come. I think I might be one of those unmotivated adults who doesn't do jack. I keep talking about getting on top of things but if you havent already noticed I can't follow through on things well. Or rather, I don't. 2005 is a freaking crappy year so far. Lets go back to 2004 it was better.

I want you to hold me

This was an away message of mine, I decided to carry it to the title of this blog.
I brought all of my homework home and barely did any of it. Actually I really didn't finish anything. Thats pretty crappy, I need to get more on to of things and get less distracted with this freaking computer.
I was however talking to Greg Schaal and he is in to Architecture as well. He said he's been building things for some time now and has this Auto Cad program where I can start to design houses and buildings. I think i want to design a house first. I have an idea of a shape, and I know what I want it to be like. Its going to be very open and have mostly rounded walls. It'll have the shape of a peanut kind of, a deformed one, but with two larger ends and smaller middle, that kind of thing. I want to have lots of class, but with the style i am thinking of I don't think its going to work so much. Who knows though, I'm going to need to get a hold of that program and start doing some design work.
Friday is basically the last day before i have to turn in Applications. Seeing as how the 15th is the Saturday I really have until then following Monday, but better safe than sorry, I will turn them in on Friday. Now I just have to write that essay and finish some more pictures. Wow, its really creeping up.
I'm going to work out with Scott and the wrestlers tomorrow. I will most likely make myself look like a fool, but thats bound to happen sooner or later.

So come on in...

Today I drew a picture of a Nissan Z. The was probably the highlight of today. It took me quite a few hours to do, but I shaded that mutha and have almost completed it, I just need to finish the wheels, they are really hard because of the detail needed for the rims.
Other things I did today that were worth hearing about were I did homework when I got up, so I will actually have something to turn in tomorrow, and that is good. I also did over a hundred push-ups today, so now I just need to be able to do that many in one sitting, or pushing?
I like the idea of growing up and making good money and working really hard. I think if I could do that for a solid 5 years I'd save up quite a bit of money and then start spending it on nice things. Of course I'd still be working, but I'd have gone that first five year term without any un-necessary spending. I hope this Architecture idea works out. I could see it creating a very good job opportunity basically anywhere I wanted to go, meaning I'd go somewhere other than Oregon, or probably the west coast, and design sweet ace buildings that everyone would see.
Of course if this doesn't happen it will be quite upsetting. I don't want to have a crappy job, living out of a crappy place, not having any great things to look forward to. So who knows if this is the start, but I want to do something, and I want it to be beneficial to my future.
I am going to start spending less time hanging out, or doing nothing at all and start actually accomplishing things. Now I will still have the weekends, or specified days where I will hang out, and all that jazz, but I want to start working out, drawing more, maybe building some neat things, do lots of handy little projects to organize my stuff, and my families stuff, and learn more for guitar and start learning piano. I think I will look for a job once again. I know I could easily go back to working for Andy at AGA, but I don't feel like it. That job sucked, and I want to do something else. I think if I got into the food industry, like working at a restaurant, or a grocery store, or a clothing store, or basically any other job in the world but AGA it'd be good. During the summer I think it'd be great if I worked with Scott doing the lawn work, or whatever its called. I know its hard, and long hours, but I think that'd be good for me. I think the thing I want most out of a job is long hours. That will equal good rewarding paychecks, and those make me happy.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

Today was also the day that I became productive, relatively. I cleaned the house, folded clothes, wrote and essay for college, and played Sims for several hours.
Let me tell you about the Sims. I made myself as a character on that puppy and I must say, I am doing pretty freaking well. I worked my way up the scientific chain, starting as a test subject, all the way up to theorist. I get paid like 950 bucks for four hours of work. I am freaking rockin it. I made lots of people I know into the game also. Like I put Anneliese and Jeff, Becky and Andy, Andrew and Katie, Christine, and soon to be Adam and Allison. Its going to be sweet because I am going to be the most successful scientist ever pretty soon. Not to mention all the girls. The game comes with a family, making a total of 5 girls so far, all of which I have kissed. Sim David is a Pimp. He has a super nice bachelor pad and all the ladies. The best part is, the "husbands" of the ladies are all really good friends. So needless to say, Sim David is living the high life.
Real David, me, is doing pretty well. Becky and I couldn't talk to eachother for the hour we were in contact. But thinking of it, with Scott's expertise, its my fault. I have made everything awkward because I made such a big deal about her not liking me back. And so what if things are going to change a little bit. I can still be friends. I was being a super big jerk, but now I've straightened things out. So its all going to be better. Until the next girl I start to like. Despite what Jacob may say, Coldplay is great. It makes me feel good listening to it, so I did that today and it got me to be somewhat more motivated than I was before, and it made the cleaning enjoyable. So Jake, you can have your opinion, but I have mine and it is that Coldplay is a great band.

G to the Grizzle, H to the Hizzle

Yesterday I missed my entry due to the fact I fell asleep early. It happens. Yesterday was a pretty solid afternoon let me tell you. I went to Tanasbourne and took pictures with Katie Reardon for our Leadership feature in the Yearbook. We had a good time with that, and I got some glass jars from Pier 1 Imports that I later used for my sweet gifts for people. I took this glass jars with cool little cork tops and filled them with sand I brought back from Mexico. I then printed out a little diddy I wrote up about the sand and where it came from and then added a corny, "now wherever you are, you take a little bit of paradise with you" or something to that extent. I then delivered these bad boys to people and for the most part, they weren't home. It was cool because their parents were nice and let me into their rooms so I could leave it with a note but honestly only like two of the people were home. So I think those people who weren't had a great little surprise when they got back.
Today was a pretty good day to the fact it was a friday. So today during lunch I went and sat next to Becky, she mentioned the fact that all three of the girls I liked/like and who don't reciprocate those feelings, were all in the same room. So I had Anneliese sit by me, making two of three within inches of me, then I hollered over to Christine, and she came over. So I made a triangle of non-reciprocation. I felt that something had to open up in the sky, or something because this is probably unheard of. After that I went home and played "The Sims" for three hours. That was extremely refreshing. I really enjoyed the time I spent there on the computer.
And now I am going to stop giving the daily events because no one gives a crap. The rest of the night was Nic jaegers party, during which I slept through a movie, avoided both groups that had formed because one was Nic playing guitar and I didn't care to sit there and listen to the same songs I had heard several times before. Its so weird, I think I ought to go into psychological studies or something because I enjoy watching people and how they interact with others. Like we had a group that I just mentioned that was Nic playing and everyone circling around like there was a concert going on. It was weird because he was the center of attention amongst a few people who also seem to constantly need to be in the spotlight. But everyone focused on Nic, they clapped at the end of songs, he asked if they wanted to hear another. He felt good for them paying attention and liking his stuff and they all seemed happy and content. Then on the other side of the house were the gossip kids. Everyone in that group talked about other people, mostly negatively and laughed about others and such. All the while I am in the far corner of the house in perfect viewing of both groups, alone. This is when everyone who gets up and walks around for a bit comes in and asks if I am alright. I appreciate their intentions but hearing, "Are you okay?" a thousand times gets old. If I felt like talking about anything that I wasn't okay about, I'd say so otherwise, I am just there. Its pretty easy to read me actually. If I am smiling excited I am having a blast. Otherwise I am either sleepy, or thinking, or both. I am rarely in a bad mood, just in non-social moods, and in that case, I am still okay. I am always okay. Even when I have a girl that tears me into two directions, I am still okay. Nothing in life is important enough to be upset about. Angry upset. Death is a good case of when its okay to be upset. Misfortune of others, like serious misfortune, disease, etc. thats also okay. But on everything else, its not a big deal. So to sum it up, if you feel like asking me if I am alright, know that the answer will never be "no". If you want to talk about it, ask me what i am thinking about, or whats going on. Even then I can't guarantee I will say anything. Its really hard to find times when I am really comfortable, and able, being able is very important, to talk about my thoughts, anxieties, etc. In that instance, the time will come, I will think about it enough to come up with a solid conversation points.
I do like to cuddle, if you are a girl and want to sit down and play with my hair and talk, I am pretty much always okay with that. Anneliese did that, well the hair thing, got to love that girl.
Also tonight Molly and I talked about stuff, but not about being sick, finally, but about other things. Good stuff like our recent immersions into the world of Glencoe's Drug world, and how we are feeling about all this new knowledge we have. That was good. I enjoyed that.
And on a side note: I need to stop liking the girls in High School. I won't find anyone for me here.

Procrastination screws you everytime

That right there, above this line is true. I waited, despite being told to get on top of it, way to long to apply to colleges. Waiting until 2 weeks before everything was due to start was a bad idea. Now with there only being 10 more days, I don't have much time to write three essays, finish a portfolio, and do any scholarships. I just now looked at some scholarships and they require essays, so I doubt i will be doing any of those. Meaning while I am perfectly qualified to receive copious amounts of money I screwed myself royally by not doing it in advance.
And its getting close for any applications for volunteer I am sure. I really need time to either stop, or go back about a year. Then I could fix all of this, get a better score on the SAT's, get into better schools, go somewhere exciting, but too late. The plus side is Scott is going to UO, and they will have massive amounts of study abroad things for architecture, so I should fair off quite well.
Also, I saw Juba today, its sad to see a dog like that. One is she old, and two her leg was all flimsy so she could really use it; she was definitely a sad dog.
Also, its Allison Wilcox's 19th birthday, so Happy Birthday to her.

And tonight, we'll dance like we're in love...

Thats right, tonight at about 7:45 or there about would have been the perfect night for such an activity. When the power went out I was excited. I was hoping for a NYC blackout type thing, one that lasted for an extremely long time. Unfortunately ours only lasted about 20 minutes. Yep, definitely wish that number would have been something like 36 hours. I would have thoroughly enjoyed that off time. I think if PGE was cool they would have decided they didn't feel like fixing it yet and decided to wait for a bit. That would have been nice. I think thats probably the most amount of stars I have ever been able to see. Without all the crappy street lights ruining the view and everything you could see sooo much, and seeing as how the moon wasn't out, it also didn't create any glare. Very good night for star gazing.
"Whoa, Amber is the color of your energy.." they played that song today in the StuCo room and I really enjoyed it. I had heard it before, but now especially. That reminds me, I would suggest if you have money buy stuff in Apple. I am sure about 25% of the school got an iPod for Christmas. Everyone is walking around with their 20's, busting it out. I will be buying one soon, but mine is going to be a 40 because I have that much music. Or at least my brother does, and so I will too.
Now I have just heard Juba's leg is broken. Thats very unfortunate, she's an older dog so its a bit more of a big deal. But latest word is everything is fine, and I am sure she will a okay after surgery.

Wikipedia is my friend

I've just spent the past hour or so on this great little website called Wikipedia.org. Its great because its probably the most comprehensive online encyclopedia I know of. I searched for certain things, and those searches led me to another topic of which I read about and so on. I've learned a fair share of things which hopefully will stick with me.
What did I look up you might say. Or rather not since I am sure nobody bothers to read anymore, but anyways, for future reference, I looked up epilepsy because I heard it on Garden State and didn't know what it was exactly; now I do. I then looked up five colleges, three being my choices for next year, two being canadian schools I heard about. University of San Fran's and UO's descriptions were pretty weak compared to to the other three. It appears McGill University of Montreal has an incredible amount of notable alumni, and it was apparently noted as the Harvard of Canada. I hope that next year, if it is next year, at UO isn't crappy. I know I can't say for sure i am going there but its probably going to be it. The other two are very expensive and getting aid will probably not happen. I then looked up love. It had a crapload of stuff on it. All of which I read. I learned there are different types of love, and inside those there are different forms. Also all the behaviors and degrees. I would have to say I am for the most part companionate love. I can't say that for a select few individuals because it is hard to draw the line. Companionate means no attraction, but in some cases there is, which would make it passionate. And in the passionate cases its sometimes been thought as infactuation, or as I now know it, "limmerence". I don't think I can say its that because its not really short term. But there is also a point where it is limmerence because I want some reciprocation.
Today I was laying by the fire and thinking that I would really enjoy falling asleep there so long as I had someone by my side, laying there right with me. And obviously that someone is a girl, and probably one of the few "don'ts". I need something bad because I've got it bad.

I am thinking its a sign....

I just finished watching "Garden State", I haven't really had time to think about my feelings on it. I didn't get any immediate, "WOW this movie is freaking fantastic!" but I thought it was pretty good.
So today is the last day of break. I don't want to go back to F*ing school. Thats a thought, why do I say F*ing instead of the actual word? People know what I mean, they know what it is being substituted as. Its not like by leaving out the uck no one will think its a swear word. Do I think people will think negatively about me saying it? If thats the case: a) so what. b) as I have previously stated its no different than actually putting it out there except for three letters. People understand what I mean by it just the same. So maybe if I feel obliged next time I will say it. I think it, why censor something that people know is coming? But yeah, I really don't like the idea of going to school. I will sit in classes I don't give a crap about learning stuff I don't care to learn and for what? So I can get a decent job and make enough money to survive. Thats retarded. If I don't care anymore and I start getting average marks it will reflect poorly on me for college. Then when, or rather if, I go to college and do the same crap I won't get a good job. All because I don't want to apply myself. I know i need to get motivated. Life won't ease up for me, I am no exception, so why is it so difficult to come to grips with reality and actually do it?! Why can't I just take it and say, "Okay, life isn't all fun and pleasure, if I want to get far [and who judges what that is? I can afford a nice house? I can buy an expensive car? or I can just feed myself as the days go by?] I have to work hard. So by God I will do that." I question too much. I need to get motivated without someone leading me or pushing me up and right now I just can't do that.
So maybe I need a year off. I need to go to some interesting place, live on my own, work, volunteer, whatever and get some life experience. Maybe then I will see whats worth working for.
I've just now lit a candle and by doing so I've been thinking: When you have the option of putting your finger into the flame is it worth not taking the risk of a seconds pain at the stake of missing out on an experience? If you say yes than I am sure you've found your spot, but if you quesiton or say no as I have, I would only hope that tomorrow I'll be as brave. And thats my deep thought of the night...

I'm back

Now that i have been back home, something I wished for during most all of the Mexico trip, I don't want to be here. I would much rather be in Mexico. The two days I have been home haven't been extremely fun, while the New Years party last night was alright, I like the people there and all, I just wasn't incredibly excited nor was I today. I am already bored of being here and going back to school doesn't sound like fun. I think this is case in point of the necessity of me going away for next year. I need to go to some other location and work/volunteer, just something else. Who knows what the deal is; it seems like the relationships have changed. I think all I can truly say is that I need a more than friends relationship with a girl. That would occupy my time just fine, and seeing as how a considerable amount of my friends also have this, it would level out the field so I am not at social gatherings such as a New Years party without anyone.

El Grande

This is going to be a very large blog so I will break it down into days:

Monday(12/20)- We left at 4 in the morning to make our flight. It was incredibly early to get up, but after being awake for a bit it was alright. I really enjoyed our flight. It was incredible to watch the surface as we flew tens of thousands of feet above ground. From the altitudes it made it really hard to decipher how big anything was, for example, we went over some of the Rocky Mountain area and it looked like a bed blanket. It was very smooth with what appeared to be dirt, and then every so often it'd have 'wrinkles'. The dirt turned out to be tree's, and the wrinkles were the elevation changes, which means it was on a much bigger scale that it looked like on the plane. Crops were also an interesting thing to look at. As we got over Texas you could see thousands of crop area's all of which were square acreage with circular crops. This part was weird. I didn't understand why they didn't use the entire square of land, and I couldn't figure out how big it was. I tried to compare it to other things I saw, but those too were really hard to tell. We got into our resort at about 6 p.m their time, meaning about four here. We ate a little food and walked around but because it was dark we didn't get a great grasp on things.

Tuesday(12/21)- We spent all of today, I will just speak as if it is the days I am talking about, lounging and checking out the resort. It was excellent; they had haciendas, which were where we stayed, and each one of these puppies had its own pool. Then the main part of the resort had two pools. One extremely large pool, and another smaller one by the beach. Its hard to describe everything about the resort, so if you get a chance, come over to my house and I can show you pictures. We lied at the beach most of the day and then went pool-side for the rest of it.

Wednesday(12/22)- Wednesday was one of our two planned excursions; we went to another resort about 20 Km away and went rode ATV's and Speed Jet Boats. We did each activity for about an hour. For the ATV's we rode through little paths they had made in the brush around the resort and that was pretty awesome. Mine broke down which turned out to be good because once the guy fixed it I was well behind the rest of the group so I went into the top gear and got to haul all the way to the other people. After that scenic ride we went to the ocean and got into little tiny jet boats. They were incredibly basic and so when we got going pretty fast and went off the large waves that came we'd get some good air and then land really hard back onto the surface and that part hurt. It felt almost as if the boat would break everytime we hit so you'd get your considerable amount of air, then cringe and tighten up as you were about to land. That was pretty fun and once we got back we went poolside.

Thursday(12/23)- Thursday was our first day into the little town of Playa Car where we could go shopping for gifts and souvenirs at neat little shops that lined the streets. My brother Josh and I were the ones who went and as soon as we got their I began my search for a pineapple for Anneliese. She asked me to get her one but the thing is, you can't bring back fruit, so I had to find another form of a pineapple, like a necklace, or shirt, or anything. Well the whole time we were shopping and being hassled by the mexican shop owners who called my brother and I names like "rambo" and "fresh meat", yes a lady did say that, I was looking for something with a pineapple. And after searching basically every shop around the little town I found absolutely nothing. Then on the way back, after we had decided we were tired of walking around, a shop owner asked me what I was looking for and I said "a pineapple". "Oh we've got those!" he says, "follow me". So I walk into the little corridor shop area and once inside he asks me, "whats a pineapple?" Well it turned out he didn't have anything, so I found something else. A ceramic infact. This town had tons and tons of these awesome ceramic plates, bowls, figures, etc that had been hand painted with these awesome designs. They were incredibly cool and if you are ever to go there I suggest you buy some. My brother and I then got back to the resort and went to the beach to lounge, among other things.

Friday(12/24) - Friday was a really cool day for I went to Cozumel, another town on the other side of the water from Playa Car, and went scuba diving. I had never been before so I took a beginner class in which we went only 25 meters below the water and practiced the techniques and skills necessary for doing dives. After we learned the skills, and the instructor felt we were adequate, we went a bit deeper and looked at some of the coral. That was tank number 1. After we used up the first tank, we went back up to the surface and got into a boat that took us out farther towards the good spot that is apparently the number three spot to go diving around the world, and we dove over 50 meters. That was excellent because then we got to really good coral and the really neat looking fish. It was easy to see where the animators of the fish movies like "sharktail" and "finding nemo" got the idea of apartments and houses in the coral because as I looked I definitely thought of the same things. It was truly amazing. When we got back we had Christmas Eve dinner and jake and I got into a dispute, so I threw his flip-flop into the center of the huge pool. He was wearing normal clothes so he couldn't get it, and then I left. I thought it was pretty funny and i felt like I had gotten revenge until he came back to the room and beat the crap out of me. I think if I ever got into a real fight I could do pretty well because I got tired of him beating up on me so I used all my energy and knocked him off and such. So I am sure i could get up enough energy to punch a guy numerous times really really hard and hopefully knock him out.

Saturday(12/25)- Also known as Christmas day. It didn't seem anything like Christmas though. I was in a warm climate, away from home, it definitely was not the same. Sure they had trees everywhere, and people were singing carols and such, but there is nothing like Christmas day at home, when you are all snuggled up in your pajamas downstairs opening gifts as a family. That was also something that was different; no presents, minus the fact that we were in freaking MEXICO! That was gift enough. Then later that day Josh left and jake and I went and did water aerobics. The rest of the day we spent on the beach and in the ocean. That is until I got my little rash which was very similar to the one i got on the cruise two years ago which makes me believe i am allergic to the ocean, and that sucks! I spent the night in my bed and missed out on the evening show and the afterparty.

Sunday(12/26)- Sunday was a very very uneventful day. We lounged on the beach and played tennis and pool and ate. Very relaxing though, like a vacation is supposed to be.

Monday(12/27)- Monday we went to the beach in the morning and then we went to town once again, but only this time it was Jake, me, and Jake's Vacation fling. Her name is Claire, she is from Canada and she is 21. We went and shopped out the more ritzy tourist spot of Playa Car that had stores like diesel and Sicko. Then we went back and ate dinner and the works and saw this amazing Cirque du Soleil type show. It definitely made me want to get stronger so I could do the self balance things and such. So now I am going to start working out and maybe take yoga to learn some of the moves. Hopefully soon enough I will be balancing myself on a table with one hand.

Tuesday(12/28)- This is the other coordinated excursion we did; it was to Tulum, a little Myan ruin. The larger Myan ruin was about 3 hours farther so we decided to settle for this one. It was awesome. Its incredible to think that these people over a thousand years ago made all this stuff without any of the modern tools we have. They just chipped it away with other stones; they didn't even have metal tools. The detail on the buildings were amazing. I would definitely suggest that you go to a ruin of the ancient civilizations if you get a chance because it is phenomenal. I took video and pictures so once again, ask me and I can show you them.

Wednesday(12/29)- Wednesday was our last official day there so I did as much as possible. I played tennis, pool, table tennis, went to the beach, swam in the pool, went to town, and stayed out late. Our trio that went to town earlier in the week went again, but this time at night and we went to some clubs. It was interesting, jake was very much at home, he has gone to clubs elsewhere, but for me it was pretty uncomfortable. The closest thing to it is a school dance for me, and that doesn't compare because I know people at those, and not everyone is freak dances. It definitely would have been more enjoyable if I had a lady friend, but whatever. I had a good night for the most part.

Thursday(12/30)- We did the exact same thing as monday the 20th except in reverse order.

Its nice to be home, but now I have to go back to thinking and working. I enjoyed not having to do anything other than enjoy myself. Its going to be different coming back to school where I can't just wing it and say, "well I'll never see them again, so who cares" nor can I go to the beach and lounge in shorts and no t-shirt. Oh well, I can adjust.